thoughts on being a civilian again finally

taking a walk down memory lane, from a bald garang recruit who was conscripted on friday the 13th 2007 in tekong, to a corporal from BSLC, to an armour specialist then now a full-fledged civilian who cant think of anything but freedom........smiling all the way from boon lay to eunos after i got my pink IC back...............

well its been almost a month of slacking, since i got back my pink IC........well in case u didnt already noe i ORD-ed on the 12th of may 2009, a whole 1 yr 10 mths of national slavation they call ur duty to the country...........i mean im all for soldiering to protect my country and the ppl i care for but its jus the singapore regimentation system nothing but sucks.......heh im sure every soldier who has gone thru regimentation, one way or another, no matter wad post he had/has, no matter wad vocation he was/is in.............

all i can is i have come a long way and like army has definitely changed me in ways i cannot even fathom or imagine.......but i guess the change that i myself can tell dat i speak of now.....

• i feel i am a not so happy and jovial person as before i went in (i may not show it many atimes but still its there i realise), to some extent NS did take away more than a few times of being able to meet up with frens, staying for dat much longer at appointments.........not dat im bitter or anything but jus reflecting on dat.......but of cos i wish i could have made it for all those ag outings and stuff where i could have gotten dat much closer to everyone in the ag.......haha but dats like a kinda regret dat even u want oso cant suck thumb lol, make do with wad u have now lol......=|
  
  
• i guess the usual jovialness and craziness was replaced with a more sober note, and mayb cos there was a period of time not too long ago, dat i wasnt very regular with my daily QT, in fact more irregular than not.......dat everything seemed to be jus crashing down.......i cannot tell if there is a direct relation between doing QT and like being so affected by the things around you for now but i can see the difference in the way certain things affect me when im facing them, the contrast between keeping close to God and not.....i guess its the perspective......
  
  
• have i mentioned it too many times dat i feel everything has changed? dats the thing of not being able to talk to the ppl u normally talk to i guess...........all of a sudden u feel dat they are somehow changed, like yesterday u feel u now them and yet the next day they seem like strangers to u.......then u havta get thru the whole process of getting to know them seemingly all over again......
  
  
• then also from the army experience u really meet all sorts of people (some of whom i would like to forget asap and not get myself angry at them but dats not the point is it).......not only does it widen ur experience of the outside world, it also take inter-personal skills to a whole new level la......
  
  
• from army there is alot of cursing even though i tried my very best to control my tongue, i learnt i still had to use mild vulgarities to get my point across or make a stand for sumtin in the army.....i admit i did use abit here and there even tho not as much as my other frens but like yeah i feel dat impact is brought out even to the civilian world, when ppl make me angry or do sumtin in injustice to me or like something random jus happens to mess up, the first thot of mine is to curse under my breath.......God knows i have used vulgarities under my breath too many times for counting, sometimes i feel like scolding my frens mildly but i catch myself and not slip up, but the first thot prevail..........i need a total revamp to get rid of this indoctrination from the army, only with God's help.....
  
  
• also, with power of rank in the army, coming out into the civilian world once again, u subconsciously have the expectation dat ppl are supposed to do wad u tell them if wad ur telling them to do is rite (mayb in ur eyes only but still), its so different sometimes, like society is not bound by much rules (to a certain extent), as long as its not offending the law, anything goes, whereas in the army there are so many (too many) rules to guide u by, there is a system which most NSFs have to follow.........
  
  
• did i mention dat quite abit of army technical lingo stays with u........haha sometimes hard for others who haven experience army to understand without proper explanation........phrases like suck thumb etc other crude phrases too jus dat its not normally used in public.....
  
  
• sometimes i find its a culture shock dat after ORD-ing from the army cos after being so used to having rules, guidelines, documentations, paperwork etc to guide u so dat more or less u know wad u can do, which path u will be going on, and likewise the opposites, the boundaries and limitations of ur actions........outside, as i said anything goes, call it too long not being able to think for urself (we'll get punished in the army if u think too radically i have realised), but like making choices on ur own and bearing the consequences can be quite scary and daunting.......i jus applied for mass comm at murdoch, and cos like they dun offer radio d-jing in singapore campus (yet, dunno when it will arrive), they onli offer it in perth so like thinking if i should go over to study for a sem or sumtin (the fees are quite exorbitant la! $10+K for like 3 months! inclusive of lodging, tuition, food etc, its alot of money).......besides dat i had to choose my majors even before anything started la.....choosing majors for ur degree is so scary cos like u dunno wad ur getting urself into......had to do alot of reading (some last min too) on like so many topics......i read like at least 20 wiki topics i think......well now dat its all done with, next up is my intensive bridging modules which is like 1 month long only but like every week there will be one thurs (7-10), sat  and sun (9-5) then the following wednesday is the test ready.....siao damn chiong la.......well worry about dat later......i thank God for giving me peace somewhat despite the scariness of the situation......

so dats about all i can think of for now.....but i guess there will be more changes than im willing to note or remember mayb? but the change is very prevalent (to me at least), the damage if any has been done, hopefully 2 yrs or so of national service hasnt done any irreversible damage........yea its been a memorable journey to say the least, even tho i would say i regret some things i have done, resented some punishments i got, the frens i have made all around are Generally quite a good bunch and i hope to keep in contact with them.......after going thru armyp personally then u'll get a chance to appreciate and mayb understand better wad the army guys go thru, the trials, the temptations, the difficulties, the everything, the army experience haha........its beyond words can ever describe (cos too much info can get u charged under the official secrets act heh but dats besides the point), or at least i dunno how to put it for public understanding, of cos i'll still remember wad was going thru my mind and all the great experiences i had in army when i read this several yrs down the road............dats all about freedom for now....

some people are jus way too excited about the church camp which is coming up jus tml or later in like 5 hrs time (groans how i wake up then)........i jus dunno wad to think about the camp......i mean im a discussion group leader with david chua of the younger guys, i think it should be fine la........jus relax and talk cock la......there is jus a certain part im not not looking forward to, i dunno the free and easy time in camp how siah........cos like the couples in my ag will be together then cant be i tag along and lite up the place huh........then like everyone else seems to have their own clique and stuff, guess i'll jus tag along with some of the people in my ag hopefully they go out if not stay in the hotel all the way and sleep is not my idea of free and easy, i can do dat at home la........or even if they all wanna stay in the hotel all the way, if there's games then not so bad i guess......hmm woohoo I HAVEN PACKED MY BAG YET.......one kind of last minute huh ;) jus now i was playing guitar, jus looking back to God despite feeling abit moody cos of things......well i guess i'll go pack now and get some sleep.........siao man but i slept jus now (i think) so not so bad i guess.........blog more when i get back la........

free from prejudice (if but just once)

(backdated post started on monday, 23rd february at 01:26 hrs)


well so the background to this post is like this......its tragic and actually i rather not mention the details again esp since im still bitter at dat gay clerk now haiz.......well so pretend the date is feb 17th.......i went off in the morning for my dental appointment, to check my teeth from braces, then after dat shun bian go make appointment to pluck my wisdom teeth all dat so had to go for xray everything so i had to end up staying longer than i was originally allocatted so i called my pc to tell him dat i would be going back later abit.......ok rewind to before dat......i had planned to go out straight for nite's out straight after my dental appointment......ok i know its wrong or mayb not permissible, i dun think my pc would have the balls to approve of me doing sucha thing so i didnt tell him or anyone else except jeremy and qin en.......i asked qin en to sign in for me when he booked out at 12pm.....he did so at about 11am then he went to eat.......but i dunno how come or y the gay clerk, timothy went to check the book-in book and he called me at about 11am......when i received the call i told him i was still outside cos my off pass was at least until 1230pm, when looking at the time....i didnt noe dat qin en had signed in for me at 11am.........so i told him to help me cover dat i was in camp at about 3pm cos i finished everything by 1330hrs.....i then went for lunch with my dad and i went to funan to settle errands/ look for & at stuff......halfway thru those errands i received quite a few calls from my pc, ps, and various other ppl but i didnt pick up their calls on purpose cos i didnt noe wad was the situation so the onli ppl i was msging was jeremy and timothy the gay, qin en was out on medical appointment ma.....btw jeremy and qin en and i were the onli ati ppl dat were left behind, as in we chose not to go new zealand with the rest........then i decided to make my way back to camp jus in case sumtin big happened.......well something big did happen but oh wells.......my pc thot i was in camp somewhere and not picking up my calls (my phone was on low batt as well), so he got the whole company's worth of men to look around all the facilities in plc camp........all this cos timothy told him i had supposedly booked in, in the book when i was still outside.......all this happened and i didnt noe anything about it until like jeremy msged me on my way back........in a series of unfortunate events, i took longer than i wanted to get back near to camp, like the train broke down, i missed the bus and i walked to another 2 or 3 bus stops and waited at the first one jus to find the buses i had to take didnt stop there, so i had to run/walk/sprint when the bus was approaching to the next and then the next, its quite a distance.....super sian experience......then sweating and all, i cant think straight, by the time i reach near camp it was around the normal time dat the specs on course would come back from gedong so i hesitated to jus walk into camp, if i was seen it would be crap to me la (yeayeayea as if i wasnt in much crap already but i didnt noe la, my phone had died already by now so i dunno anything, i cant think straight, dunno the situation, dunno wad to do next)........so i waited and hung around the bridge.......then i walked abit to the perimeter of the camp, i even thot of climbing over the fence, yes i was dat desperate to get out form this sticky situation and jus pretend to be in camp all the while, having been talking to a fren or sumtin all the while etc.....


to cut the long story short, i finally decided to walk into camp after like an hour plus of pacing, thinking, delibrating, considering my options, weighing them while feeling all sticky and desperate and crazy.......its not a nice feeling to be in.......oh well as i was going into camp, i met jeremy as he was walking out for nite's out........thank God i met him too if not my punishment would have been worst if i had cooked up a different story from the truth........because he told me dat timothy had already surrendered and typed out the messages dat i had sent him the moment he felt that he was going to get implicated......i mean its fine if he sorta betrayed me by typing out all the messages i sent him and all but i felt dat he should at least be man enough, have the guts to tell me about it to my face, i jus imagine wad would have happened if i didnt meet jeremy on the way, i'll seriously get screwed over in too many other ways than one.....and wads more he told jeremy not to tell me he was the one who sabo-ed me......jus thinking of dat makes me boiling mad and bitter la......i mean no matter how gay he is, how can he do such an un-man thing?! where did his guts go man......argh pissed........


then after dat i spinned some story to my pc, with bits of the truth interleaved, not so much to save my ass but really to not implicate qin en cos he helped me sign in everything.......but i jus could think on the spot fast enough to fabricate a good story where all the timings match and stuff.......i tried to do so but there was like 1 hr plus unaccounted for or rather i didnt noe wad to say i did during dat time........so i jus broke..........i asked my ps to get out of the room (he was not helping at all la, he was jus giving stinging comments which made me wannna jus go for his throat, like who he think he is, say things even my pc didnt say), i asked my pc to stop the recording of the 'interview/interrogation' and then i related to him the truth on a personal level (cos i knew him since bmt, we were the same platoon, jus dat now he is an officer and now im only a 3rd sgt somewhat under him).......after dat he jus made me write down a statement of everything i told him then he confiscated my camp pass and 11b so i couldnt book out for day day.......well i was allowed to book out on 24th feb first then my oc would talk to me on monday about this incident........so thus the below account from my phone.......


this is the date where i testify and really thank God for providing me with such great frens who support me and care about me.......jus earlier this book in i went into the bunk with all the my batch specialists from the same ati course to ask jeremy sumtin.........they were all seated in a circle and jeremy had already told them the story of wad had happened last tuesday (for ur benefit it was 17th feb)........yu to sorta dragged me to sit inside the circle as they were all anxious to know my scenario and ask how i felt. discuss whether i might get 28 days sol (stoppage of leave, meaning i stay in camp for 28 days then i havta report at least 4 times everyday, weekends is 7 times a day) or 3 days db (military prison)........any normal person would choose 28 days sol cos even tho the time period is much longer, there's no black record, while going into db means ur whole future is basically ruined......u can't get into uni, its harder to get a job with a black record outside of army etc......the list goes on la.......they were saying (well ellwangen suggested it, i'd give him credit and much thanks for dat) they would want to petition my oc if i really get the db sentence to ask him to show leniency and mayb change it to the sol sentence instead which is far betta compared to the former.......they also wanted to petition my oc to reduce the sentence of the sol if it was like too many days.........which i knew would probably not amount to much of anything even if they did anything but i was very touched by the thought, the gesture etc.......


i was very deeply touched to have this community and i can't be thankful enough dat God is so sovereign dat He provides (and uses) non-christians! to encourage me in thus a way......for one of the few times i remember, there was no prejudice, no judging, jus a common compassion for my case, which really watmed my heart to its deepest core ever........how nice it would be if zion (or any other community)was such a community of love like this and more!! i will yet hope in the Lord dat this will be the case in zion in my generation!! i can already imagine the sweetness of communion and fellowship in the gates of zion..........HOPE.....there is yet hope for God's ppl in zion........


anyway after dat i stayed on as they related stories, both good and bad from their time in new zealand........had a great time laughing at random jokes and events..........now the sentence later in the day still weighs on and i havta sleep now to wake up early tml at 7 plus am to standby in the office for my oc to talk to me anytime from then..........i can't sleep in but oh wells i can always catch up on sleep later on in the day.......time to pray and thank God and then go to bed.........nite.........


post ended as per date and time written below........

i could be in new zealand now......

yeah as the title states i could be in new zealand now, but i chose not to go..........y might u ask? well i'll explain.......


a bunch of my frens from msu, my company, from the same armour batch as me in ATI (armour training institute), [aka the people who i trained with to become armour specialists] flew off to New Zealand jus earlier in the evening yesterday.......i went to the airport to send them off.....


well they went to NZ as part of some training their platoon is going to have......so onli their platoon ppl from our company(specialists, officer, and men and some other volunteers and some forced to go) and the 3 sir ppl and some 21 sa ppl and other support personnel are going for this......i think they will have some combined forces live firing same as wad we had in wallaby.....well now onto y i chose not to go even though i could have been with them, even tho i probably wont have much to do there except keep clearing all the shit work for them lol.......in ns we call this termed as "sai kang".....and jus enjoying myself for about onli 2 weeks, the last time we all can "chiong" together overseas (and potentially locally until we ord) as a same cohord, it would be quite memorable i must say.......and a part of me really doesnt mind to go there and experience wad new zealand is like, after all its free, saf is paying for ur almost-holiday-like trip, y not rite? in fact when i recently told my dad dat i was not going to new zealand, even he told me i should have gone, but i had already more or less made up my mind dat the negatives outweigh the plus points of enjoying the camaraderie of a few frens i've grown closer to since coming to msu......

wad could be so bad as to deter me from going to such a fine trip? well quite abit, push and pull factors here and there.......firstly all the regular officers from our company are going, meaning there is no one to be in charge of the ppl left behind except the pcs who are from our batch so almost no government lol, relax life onli lol, everyday can go swim,gym,play pool or use the comm in the mess, play sports or all of the above if i have the time and energy lol.......well another reason i dun wanna go is also because of the regulars as well.......hmm my oc is actually a very nice guy, very kind and like quite easy to go to him for requests and stuff like dat so like nothing to say about him la......well the problems lie with my 2ic and my csm haiz........welll how about a little profile on the both of them?

2ic

• looks like a lizard

• rank is mwo
  

• likes to hunt them and reptiles and drink their soup cos he says its good for the constituition -- they are cold-blooded, they keep warm even though they live in warm places

• 50 yrs old

• ippt gold somehow (but its like way easier at his age)

• father of 4 (he likes to brag this irrelevant fact somehow, so wad?)

• likes to pluck durians from sungei gedong road there (now its banned)

• hasnt got his liscence yet despite his age

• always illegally takes our company driver's rovers, gp cars or ford everests to drive so dat he can chalk up his mileage of 7000km for his conversion to civi license

• got his license suspended or sumtin or got a scolding from the CO of transport hub west for shooting past a red light on a public road (haha loser)

• mad old dog at times

• half the time doesnt know wads going on in the company, and yet wants to stick his shit head in matters (but at least he does work), end up getting scolded by our oc heh

• insists on really ridiculous things at times

• sometimes fraks u for nothing

• jus another boot-licking, ass-covering shit head regular in the army

• insists his way is always rite sometimes

• doesnt value his hairstyle cos its always crew cut

• at loggerheads with csm
  

csm

• mad old dog at times

• cannot be argued with

• likes to scold ppl with knn and frak

• fraks ppl for nothing alot of the times

• likes to ask our poor company cq to da pao alot of fruits from the cookhouse for him to bring home to juice (gian peng aka miserly)

• jus another boot-licking, ass-covering shit head regular in the army

• insists his way is always rite, and i mean ALWAYS, even if its walking a certain way and stuff, yes its dat ridiculous....

• doesnt value his hairstyle cos its always crew cut

• at loggerheads with 2ic

• never really listens to u unless u are there to lick his boots aka do his shitwork for him

• a real slacker who never does any work, he makes us poor nsf do the work for him

• a waste of saf resources

• looks like a bastard goldfish

• is a sacarstic jackass (when u anger him)
  

• rank is 2nd wo
  

• no point arguing with him cos u'll jus get fraked and then forced to do it his way
  

haha ok dats enough profile on both of them la........even though there seem to be more points for my 2ic, my frens still feel dat he is betta to work with than csm even though he gets in the way alot of the time, the one thing is dat he does his job (no matter how poorly and how old-skool soldier his thinking is)........csm doesnt does his job and all he noes is dat he is always rite, never wrong in any way, i hate this kinda thinking......well sometimes i hate 2ic too but at least he listens at times and he is willing to take suggestions and explanations in getting away from doing certain things when ur involved in other things (when ur actually slacking away but he doesnt havta noe dat....) BUT csm however never listens to u, arguing ur case to him is like jus asking for a good fraking then going on with ur life and end up doing things his way in the end.......so i try as hard as possible not to have any contact with csm or to do things with him.......nowadays i dun even want to see him or vice versa, cos nothing good comes when either him or 2ic is around......so we the old specs always do the disappearing act when they appear, i guess we've refined our skill over time already heh.......


well yeah back to the main point on y i dun wanna go becos of them........well before the time i could call recently, which is our company lull period so they dun really bother about us, plus they were preparing to go nz anyway........yeah before dat, there was one period of time i was getting aimed by both of them la, getting fraked for nothing alot of the time, esp during the time in wallaby lol......walao i damn emo then lol.......but thank God for frens who were under the same platoon as i was in, they helped me manage alot of tough situations and helped me by either talking to me or helping me in some of my duties lol, really thankful for them, i guess it was there when i really built real camaraderie with the specialists of my batch, esp jia wei, jeremy, jeremiah ng, wee kiat....


yeah it was the five of us alot of the times even bathing times, meal times together and stuff.......cos the other half of our company supposy platoon were armour converted infantry specs so onli like 5 of us were purely from armour and stuff like dat, dat was wad made us stay together alot of the times, and looking back at it i enjoyed times with them alot......now a few of them have moved out of support platoon ready, some no more in charge of vehicles like wee kiat and jeremiah ng, then jia wei became the ps of another fighting platoon, plat 1......so now left jeremy and i......well i must say dat i now noe jeremy alot betta than in ati cos we talk more and go out together more as well......coincedentally jeremy and i (and qin en) are not going to new zealand lol, qin en and i chose not to go but jeremy couldnt go cos of his passport but today he was also having 2nd thots of wanting to go in the first place haha........


back to me being aimed at......meaning 2ic and csm will jus pick on me for the very very small things dat other ppl commit as well but somehow im like the onli one being scolded for it and i hate dat lol.......worst is when i cannot explain my case to them lol.......sometimes its not as dat i want to be the one sticking out but its like sometimes the situation and things happening make me have to choose a different path than the norm.......OR sometimes i jus really cant see y ppl cant be more flexible lol, y must they all jus go and do the same thing jus becos other ppl are doing it? its like so brainless to me la......so i jus out of curiousity try another way.......like dat oso got wrong meh? what the crap, im jus trying to find a betta way to do things.......some of my batch specs think and say dat im a stunt man, its not dat i want to be, can u blame me for all this cos the way i was brought up or the way i think is different? i tell u now no one, NO ONE wants to be a stuntman or labelled one even..........wad with all dat mindless following, being in ns in itself already kills ur brain cells cos even when u book out, when ppl say things considered normal to civilian life without ns, u think of ns terms......cant think of any now but a small example is like things are beyond ur control and stuff the first thing an ns personnel thinks about it the word suck thumb..........haiz all this wastage of our time and singapore's resources in brain-washing us to be mindless soldiers in a system dat works best onli for those on top but never for those on the ground or near bottom like us specialists, seeing the quality of regulars serving our army like 2ic and csm, i cant help but wish for betta, younger regular soldiers taking over their places, willing to change their ways and stuff like dat but until ord dat is like wishful thinking lol,(if not units like ours are jus another set of useless pawns with no purpose in war and wad not) oh wells so i jus havta bear with for another 104 or 103 more days till i get my pink IC again haiz......sometimes how i wish i was an officer in commandos or sumtin with more pride cos even tho im armour trained (its a pride in itself) but my unit msu like so chui, all pride is lost la(despite us not having to do guard duty, no canteen duty for c.o.s. , no need to do SOC ever again amongst other benefits).........wishful thinking again on my part..........


yeah so i dun wanna go to new zealand cos of them, wad for man? if i go i would be going there to enjoy myself and not get aimed at by 2ic and csm, for nothing get arrows for sai kang and for nothing set myself up for extra duties and wad not (if they still exist)......wad for? might as well enjoy myself in singapore not doing much of anything, enjoying this whole week off and stuff like dat......well the ppl from my batch did ask me to go chiong with them for the last time, and i really wanted to do dat but this con alone is too great a deterence so i chose not to go on this.......moreover this fat ass specialist from my same batch dat i really hate, chin boon is going, or forced to go..........i dunno wad happened between me and him, y he suddenly become so fraked up towards me......mayb he was always this way or worst in poly i heard from jeremy who knew him since then.........he is a very sacarstic fellow dat likes to suck up to superiors or those in power, stepping and backstabbing others to get wad he wants and where he wants to go.......its not exactly private dat alot of ppl really hate him, perhaps more than 2ic or even the bastard csm.......chin boon like to suck up to csm, talking to him alot and saying things dat trash others or wad if its wad csm wants to hear.......hate is a strong word to use but i am really almost on the verge of jus throwing caution to the wind and jus give him a very very good whacking of his life, land him in hospital and mayb land myself serving db, having a black record........hmm db, having a black record and stuff is not really anything any nsf or ns man even thinks about but im almost willing to get all dat if i can jus whack him into hospital or mayb even killing him.......haiz i must have killed him countless times over in my mind, i really cannot fathom y would such a person exist, like he jus shoots his mouth talking absolutely stinging rubbish jus for the fun of it it seems, one of these days somebody should stop him from shooting his mouth without giving much of a second thot to it, whenever i think about the fraked up things he has said to me or within my earshot, i boil up with enough anger to give my freedom away and give him the greatest beating he so deserves since the day he was born.......BUT thank God for a thing called rational thinking, i dun want time in db, and a black record, no matter how tempting it is to whack him half to dead or full to it with my bare hands alone, he is not worth my time and the record against my name.......fraking fat blob of fats.....well i thank God oso for the date of my ORD coming nearer and nearer before his.....soon the bearing with all the shitty life with him and 2ic and csm will be over and i will be a free man again, until then then i think about whacking him, if i still remember he exists at all in the first place lol.......so there another reason, its like 0428hrs now, wed, 280109, i havta go sleep, damn shagged.........


well another reason y i dun wanna go is more a pull factor back in singapore heh....well cos as i said all the regulars are going and stuff, dat means almost no one to govern us so we can more or less do wad we want in singapore until they all come back cos the pcs dun really bother about us......so finally we're getting a taste of wad specialists in bmt experience all the time......we're living like kings, we do wad we want when we want yayy.......


needless to say the last reason is the most obvious, the ppl staying behind get to enjoy more of their chinese new year cos the lot flew off on the 2nd day of the lunar new year ma, so some of them haven finished visiting and stuff, not to mention the feeling of u going to chiong while others are slacking the week off and stuff.......it sucks la basically speaking but wad to do, SUCK THUMB lol......wad else can ppl do but tell u to suck thumb? who's going to pity u for example when ur stuck with duty jus waiting in the office doing nothing till about 10pm for ppl to come back from some crap parade and end up missing ur own family reunion dinner? (it happened to me this year and i jus feel damn bummed about it)......but oh wells its over ready, onli thing is dat this sunday i havta go back to open the office earlier lol.....or mayb not, see if i can work something out la......sians......but yeah anyway this week i (and all the rest of the company who stayed behind in singapore) am (are) on leave, 2 days off from oc, besides the 2 days of public hols i think, then the rest is forced us to clear one lol......so now we're all on leave/off lol while the others are probably unpacking and getting used to new zealand's ultra cold weather i heard, but saf indented the thermal wear for them plus they all bring their own stuff to keep warm and stuff so shouldnt be dat bad la, freezing half to death at nite and burning hot in the day in aust should have been lesson enough for them heh.....well as an ending note the ppl leaving for new zealand all were very emo at spending time overseas during the bulk of the lunar new year, as well as coming back onli on valentine's day for those ppl attached......well not to gloat at them being emo or wad la, but i never realised the feeling of sending ppl going overseas off was so nice, esp when ur the ones not going, the feeling is jus different, esp so for us from the same company and yet are staying behind in singapore for a relaxed life heh.......but still i wish them all the best in their time over there, dat there wont be any incidents or accidents and dat they will not have much sai kang to do and stuff heh.......meanwhile i (we all) will continue to enjoy our freedom to do wad we want while we all can heh.....i damn tired now, going to bathe and sleep, i bought berms earlier today heh.....quite nice $15 from bugis street, spent quite awhile searching for it, including checking out many shops with jeremy, qin en and wee kiat when he hadnt left yet.....its mainly white with very thin lines or patterns, next time i will wear it out or for yf dat kinda thing....jeremy might be selling me his brown berms if he can find lol.....dats all for tonite and for now heh.....my bed my bed here i enthusiastically come!!!


ET: rite extra terrestrial, still ur nickname will stick and stay there for a very long while....

xiao en: haha random meh? u were talking about being wordy ma haha.....haha dats good to hear.....mayb i always have alot to say cos i take awhile to update heh....sometimes longer than at different times.....haha dun photos have captions to describe them too? hurhur....one kind of ......O.O......i like to eat niu rou heh......haha hopefully it'll be soon yeah.....erhm no problem, at least ur talking about different things, not spamming so its fine.......

a very accurate potrayal of ns

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qGAU7VTExg

i feel good

actually when i first wanted to post, i wanted to post about how depressed i was feeling.....army life is starting to get very very sian for me.....to a certain extent i cant wait for it to end, counting down to ord and at the same time thots of jus ending my life have come in more than once but i wake myself up cos i somehow noe its not worth it taking my life away because of the remaining 11 or 12 months or so of the lack of freedom in the army, thank God for dat if not i probably wont be around to tell my story now heh...i feel dat i can be used by God in mighty ways dat i may or may not imagine and i definitely can be of more use being alive than dead haha.....dun take me too seriously la its jus the depression....


i feel abit like a loner in there cause i'm not very close with many ppl in there.......in fact when i was in bmt,i wasnt very close to anyone in particular, i really dunno the reason oso but somehow i cant talk to alot of ppl on a deeper level........casue i cant relate to them being so perverted and dirty minded........
sispec it got slightly betta cause i feel i could at least talk abit to my bed buddy when he was around.....but still the same problem existed......
as you might have already read, when i was in skool of armour, it was quite jialat for me la....my bed buddy was a sucker heh.......but at least i had frens dat i could relate to at times........


army is getting quite sian now because they are keeping us in camp when we dun really have to be in camp, doing things dat are quite unnecessary as well as all the mundane chores of staying in........but at least now the frens dat i have are quite alrite even though some are still the usual f-ed up personnel.......


well well what could be the cause of the happiness so far? haha well i got the whole week off lol........cause they burned my vesak day public holiday for live firing which we didnt really have to do with the infantry men (cause we done the same firing and more before lol), and they oso burened our saturday half day for some sand model thingy which was not needed as well....so well the army has to pay us back for burning our days dats not supposed to be burned.......i got off for 1 and a half days then my oc (who is a super nice person) asked all of the new specialists and the new operators (aka drivers) to clear 3 and a half days of leave so i get the whole week off lol......so i can help out full time at children's camp as a sheperd.........quite shiok la.......plus the next week after dat, im taking leave to go for youth retreat full time so next next week will only be 2 days long in camp, such a good break im looking forward to.........now to talk about the sunday dat already passed....


SUNDAY.......i had a very refreshing time in worship, even though it was very warm....the aircon had somehow broken done and almost everywhere was hot and very humid.......everyone was talking about wad a warm worship we had and talk about giving a warm welcome to our newcomers lol....so lame man.........in worship, i saw ppl fanning themsleves on both the lower sanctuary and the upper sanctuary from wher i was sitting, i must say looking at the pattern and speed at which they fan themselves is kinda like an art, like even though some ppl fan in different directions, they all fan about the same speed haha kinda like art lol.........anyway dat aside i think worship was particluarly refreshing cos i wasnt so distracted as the previous few weeks i guess, i oso had more sleep the nite before......i feel worship can be a great place where cliques do not exist apart from the people you sit with la but still it doesnt matter dat much who u are sitting with (of course its nicer to have someone whom u noe sitting with u so u can talk and wad not haha) but i believe when the whole congregation is engaged in worship, it doesnt really matter who ur sitting with as well as whether cliques will exist during worship which is really great to me........


carrying on my day, i went to behind church for lunch with my brother who went to arpc for their service along with a few of the other yfers, jus because there they have aircon walao lol......we ate with cheng hui and yi cheng at the new western food stall......i think they cheat money wann lol, their plates are quite big but the portions is not dat big haha, part of the psychological effect, mayb its abit ex too haha.....i ate the mini portion of some fried fish with spaghetti, so not enough for me la....the spaghet it like a few strands of noodles onli la.....i went for a shiok bowl of shui jiao tang (dumpling soup), the damn shiok one at the wanton mee stall haha........after dat we played a very good game of floorball, oh ya cheng hui, yi cheng, linus played, together with wilfred and i, oh ya and kevin and his fren saleh......all guys affair haha cos suprisingly no girls came......but it was fun heh........had a great time of runnning around and feeling the rush of the speed heh.........oh ya i think i noe y cos i was wearing shoes to play as well i guess......


after dat i went on to play frisbee with the normal frisbee group dat play every sunday.....i thought the field would be wet and muddy cos slightly before dat it rained abit.......but when i got to the field, it was jus perfect la cos before the rain it was very hot so i guess the rain was wad we needed to soften the ground.....and like since it was so hot before the rain, the ground like absorbed all the water......the field was so perfect, i so enjoyed running back and forth on it, i felt like i could continue running here and there on hours on end.......i enjoyed the rush of running around and jumping, running and leaping here and there......reaql long since i enjoyed myself so much at frisbee.....welll i normally dun go for it cos i have to book in.......see how la if i can make it next week i guess i will......i guess the day couldnt be more perfect, i was listening to christian songs on my mp3 player while i was travelling to dinner at chinatown with my family (after frisbee ended) adn like normally when i dun feel good, many songs jus dun seem to click for me....feels wierd lol.......when i feel sad i really feel like drowning myself in music........


at chinatown.....alot of food choices there but i was lazy to walk around to seek out the various food choices so i jus had the same beef noodles dat my parents had, i ordered the last plate heh.......not too bad i must say........the lime juice dat i bought quite cheat money, like the aunty juiced a few limes with her juicer , the actual lime juice was onli like 1/8 of the cup or sumtin like dat, probably less, then she added water until the cup was about half full then she filled it to the max with huge ice cubes, walao but ok la cant really complain dat much cos its onli $1......... after dat still feeling good, i got home and talked to quite a few ppl at once online, i really relish and enjoyed the catching up with dat few frens, looking forward to doing it again some time soon.........listening to klove online again made me feel even greater heh.....

some things weighing me dun go away, they jus seem far away for the moment.....
somethings i must share......i feel very helpless of how to help myself.....it never was like this before, i dunno y its like this.....must be the work of the hormones haiz.......i cant help but notice and sometimes i dunno y i think the things i do when i see, shocks myself on how those thoughts can even be there in the first place, even with some of my frens......feel so helpless and desperate mayb? i dun wanna feel dat way, i wish it would all go away and go back to being jus about enjoying the friendship for the friendship in itself and not all the unintentional judging based on appearances, the way ppl perform etc........i feel hapless cos i dunno wad i should do....i guess i should jus come out and say dat i feel like i want to get attached, dunno y i feel this way but its how i feel........i cant say how wierd and awkward this is to me putting it down in words, not to mention wad ppl will think when they do read this post.....ouch man.....feels kinda like a post secret kinda thing, except the person who posts this is unannonymous (obviously)........i dunno, i feel if i should jus shy away from all form of female contact dat would tug at my heart strings......mayb i would feel betta and less desperate then..........

i feel a little stuck in a dilemma, like should i go out and do sumtin about how i feel i.e. mayb go out and actively search for a girlfriend (more for someone i talk about the deepest stuff with and also someone to love) which would be how the world in general would act........or should i wait for God to show me the right (and the best) person He has set apart for me? i dunno what it really means to wait.....how will i noe when the right person has come into my life or not? kinda makes me wish dat God would jus let me meet dat one person (or so whatever His plans are), wish i could jus cultivate a deeper friendship with dat person...(of course the other ordinary frens wouldnt be neglected la)........what if...God has already sent 'the right person' to be a part of life already.....i read somewhere dat God doesnt limit the right person to jus one, He plans a few for each and everyone because we all have the freedom of choice to choose (in some ways) our spouse or sumtin like dat la.......and if.....God has already put dat someone in my life, ok lets say by then......then wad should i do? jus sit around and wait? or do sumtin (i dunno wad) about it? the normal worldly thing would be do sumtin and probably actively chase dat 'right person'......haiz for now i can and will only sit around and wait cos i dunno wad to do, how to do it and mayb im too scared to take the chance......

well i think i've said quite abit too much........dats all for the nite now........tata.........

the off in lieu

well its really been awhile since i last posted.....i feel its really time for me to bare abit of my thots.....


well first and foremost, this post is wad i would call an ex post, which to me means blogging about past events dat i enjoyed but didnt have the time to blog before i booked in the last time........cause somehow or rather the time dat i spend outside of camp not only never seems enough, it also seems to somehow pass by too fast even tho i feel as if im not doing much.........


anyway here is some background for ppl who are oblivious to the ns terms and the way things work.....well the title 'off-in-lieu' means off basically.....they give us (a) day(s) off based on how many times our weekends get burned by activities on saturdays and/or sundays...thank God for the 5-day ns work day policy, at least for trainees at least, which i still am.......one of the very very little perks of being a low-life trainee........


but anyway my off-in-lieu started last wednesday, 190308 stretching all the way until sunday nite when i book in again.......but i must say i really relished the break and not to mention enjoyed myself alot lol....wednesday evening we booked out and i went to a club for the first time....i went to st james with my army coursemates and it was ladies nite lol......i went there to drink abit la the 2 free drinks dat u can get when u pay $20 for entry into the club haha but i didnt drink dat much to get myself drunk la.......but i really enjoyed myself there lol, dunno y leh, i went there and i danced around quite abit and dat in itself made me quite happy i guess.......after going there the first time, my frens alll say i very wild lol i cant believe it, cause i mainly went there to dance and mayb try to enjoy the ultra loud music and nothing much else.......quite curious y they say im very wild lol, mayb its cause they hardly dance around much except one of my frens who is a rather experienced clubber, he went around buah-ing girls, i bet he went to buah every girl he saw lol......oh wells dats his problem, i will probably never have the confidence or shamelessness to do dat, whatever way u want to look at it.......


let me try and remember wad i did on last thurs 200308......oh ya i remember i got home from clubbing the nite before at 7am cause we stayed at the club until the lights came on which was about 430am like dat, by the time we dilly dally around it was about 5 or 530am ready and since there was no bus yet, and we didnt want to take cab, we decided to wait for the first train to be in service before we took it........so we went to the hawker centre at habourfront there, and actually we were quite suprised to find one or 2 indian stalls jus preparing to open for business so early in the morning......we waited awhile for the stall to make their teh tarik which was super good la after a nite or so of drinking and stuff.......my frens dat were still with us mostly drank cold drinks lol so wierd, esp after clubbing the whole nite.......they also ate abit like prata haha, i wanted to eat roti john with cheese but my fren ordered the only one heh too bad la..........


let me see, after dat i slept until 1pm then i got a call from my fren, shalyn to go out and meet.......we had previously planned to meet up the day before......shalyn is this fren i met thru pep, the poly prayer and evangelism thing i used to go for sometime, back when i was in poly.....i stopped going for their gatherings cos i didnt really identify with the ppl there and mayb i felt i went there mayb for the wrong reasons......she also dropped out of the poly pep gathering thing after some time for some reason i dun really noe......but anyway i dunno how come we started talking to each other again cause we haven talked to each other for quite awhile cause we hardly get to meet cos we hav different schedules and we are not say the closest of frens.......i dunno la its abit fuzzy how come the both of us are talking now but guess it started when i noticed her facebook status which 'told' me dat she changed from being attached to being single.....so i dropped her a msg, to see if she was ok......then since last thursday i met her, she has been sharing bits and pieces of wad happened between her ex and her.....and i dunno wad to say to her as advice lol mayb because i dun have much experience and mayb oso cos its jus the "what am i doing here? or the how did i get here?" kinda thing but its alrite for me i guess...i jus pray dat she is feeling betta and dat God is actually leading her to wad He wants her to do in her life.......well yeah i talked to her for quite abit dat day......well she did most of the talking, there was nothing much i could have done except being a fren to listen......


anyway wad did i do on friday ah? oh yeah friday 210308 was good friday.......i went for good friday service which talked about pride and the very small little forms of it dat were taken for granted as not part of our own pride.........then after dat i was supposed to have a lunch date with my wife, titus dear but he had to pang seh me to go visit some relatives or frens la........anyway im quite thankful i managed to have lunch with andrew, my other best fren instead......we ate a very VERY hearty meal at botak jones lol.....we both ordered hotdogs........he ordered the pork sausage and i ordered the chilli dawg haha....monster size la plus the bun, i couldnt finish the bun but i ate up most of my fries and the coleslaw, to think i was still thinking of trying the tiramisu at the start of the meal.....but obviously there was no space after a giant hotdog and 2 drinks to let it flow down....we played a relaxed game of pool after dat.....since we were free, i sorta invited myself to andrew's house (well technically i only went cos he sook permission from his mom first then i went) since he had to take some time to get ready to go out again and i was jus waiting to play frisbee (something i haven done in quite awhile due to me having to book in on sundays).....it started to rain on our way back to his place and we had to run in, obviously we were wet abit........anyway i really enjoyed andrew's company and i relished the talking with him about the things dat were troubling me or weighing me down.......his advice was very timely and jus being able to share some of my difficulties and worries with a good fren really felt good, it was jus wad i needed after not talking to alot of my frens for so long.........after dat i had a blast playing frisbee, even tho i was really full i couldnt play as well, couldnt run as fast as i felt i could heh.....after dat i had a sort dinner with cheng hui and yi tao, i was still full from lunch lol so all i 'ate' more fluids dats all haha.....



saturday 220308......i went to my aunt's place for lunch......i can tell she enjoyed our company as usual i guess......i seriously cant remember much la it was quite long ago.....memories are so far from fuzzy already.....then for some reason i went to church, i really cant remember y la.........but i onli remember dat i left for kuishin-bo to eat a really good food buffet with section mates and my section instructor (and his fren who supposedly seems more than jus his fren, yeah my section instructor is quite happening and quite on wann, he talked to us quite a number of times when we were on course with him to check out how we all felt about the course and all, quite nice la) from Armoured Infantry Section Leader Course, back when i was a corporal on course with them, of cos now im a sergeant already, and now posted to a different unit from most of them......so seperated lol........after dat we went to marina square to watch a movie, something i haven done in a long time........we went to catch step up 2 lol......really nice la their dance moves......how i wish i could dance like them in clubs or sumtin like dat.........seems really nice and liberating to be dancing ur heart out like there's nobody watching...........i think wad i need is some place or form of activity to vent out pent up thoughts and a messed up head man......


sunday 230308 i went to help out aunty mabel with the kids, nothing much out of the ordinary i guess......probably had abit of gabriel in my day but nothing i cant handle, even on my own with out andrew, who hardly comes to help with me alot of the time........and then after dat the normal floorball, after yet another time at the toa payoh botak jones, i went there with titus, daniel fu and timothy sng.......it was quite wierd i must say cos it was jus supposed to be jus titus and i cos i really wanted to talk about my problems but somehow timothy sng and daniel fu tagged along as they thought it was open for all but i cant blame them as well la they dunno and they probably never will unless some smart alec directs them here.......so i didnt get to have the personal time with titus to talk out my problems and reservations.........well mayb some other time man........man its so hard to find time to talk to both my good frens lol.........in the meantime all i can do is try and get by with God's help.....and honestly jus try to get by la.........it can get quite low in camp alot of the times........then the normal sunday nite book in sighs.........i really dread leaving the house at times like these...........

MORE RECENT STUFF

p.s. notice the date of this post.....when i POP-ed from the skool of armour camp at sungei gedong, i felt so happy lol, i was at an ultimate low when i there, partly because of some of the frends there.........quite a few are f-ed up la (im sorry i dunnno wad other way to describe them), some are backstabbers, some jus cant be bothered to do anything, some are jus i dunno how to describe except f-ed up.........it pretty much covers and most adequately describes them la.........i must say it was very hard for me to find ppl i could talk to in AISL.......i really couldnt stand my bed buddy la, normally in the saf ur bed buddy is supposed to be the one person u are able to talk to even if u cant talk to any other ppl.......he is supposed to be your best fren.......but my bed buddy and i, i can never forget him..........to say he is f-ed up is quite an understatement.........i really hated him......really i dun hate ppl easily but he is a totally different issue........he jus cant keep his mouth shut........he always comments on the things dat i do and i mean always.........drives me crazy, cos some of the things i do are not even very serious compared to wad he does, his attitude is like if he can siam he will siam and try his best not to do ANYTHING at all.......and he has the cheek to talk about my actions!!! cant stand it, he is part of the reason y i was so happy to POP.........oh ya and i can hardly talk to the rest of my section as in the honest kind of way cos the way they all think is quite different and they think of way more perverted and wad not stuff......

anyway now things are slightly different now......having POP-ed and all, the problems inside are still there......its the co-existing with some of the f-ed up ppl now dat i still face.......at least now as a sgt i get more freedom to go to the canteen, mess and stuff like dat.........luckily im not in direct contact with the f-ed up personnel, as in im in a seperate bunk with one of old AISL my section mates dat is quite a good fren.........but of course they expect a higher standard of discipline from all of us and all........well i'll update more on dat next time la..........

its been awhile

yeah i guess its been awhile since my blog actually published its last post........i'd say dat actually MOST of the time i dun have much time to spend outside of camp to actually have time to blog much, considering dat i come book out from camp on friday and i normally reach home about 8 plus or nineish.....sleep in on saturday (cos dats the only day i can do so) and then go for yf........then sunday i go for the 1030am service (with the once in awhile of me making it for my ag in the morning [i will try to go more often tho since im caught up with helping the little cute children for beginners every sunday for now until march or april])....then after dat its floorball for me until 4 or 430pm....after dat, by the time i get home, its already like 5 plus like dat, so i hardly hav much time to blog then since i will go bathe and get ready to go for dinner, pack my bag for camp all dat cause i normally havta book into camp by 2200hrs, so i will have to leave from dinner,probably early (which i really hate for some reason) cause my parents and i dun want me to be late (cause i run the risk of getting confined or other regimental punishments, which i have not gotten so far because even tho i have been bordering on the line of lateness many atimes, God has been gracious and good to provide chances for me to slip by without incident, but of course i will not take my chances for granted....)

wa dat was quite a mouthful to say all at once......but it more or less sums up every weekend of mine dat i go thru........the only things dat change are the things dat happen during the week, how i feel each sunday and how i relate to ppl i guess......

i cant really think of wad i originally wanted to post for today ready........oh wells i guess i should turn in to bed soon so i can wake up fresh and early for service later so yeah good nite, will post more later if i remember and if i have the time....

i choose happiness

well i cant really say i am a person who is very happy cause normally i'm not.........i guess i like to mope esp when im unhappy........i think too much about too many unnecessary things as well so thus things like this add to my unhappiness........i feel the graph of happiness generally dips in the lower region most of the time and i hardly am able to stay happy quite abit of the time..........

ok i admit this post was started at a time when i was feeling very sian and its more a build up of many things dat are not satisfactory to me at dat time dat really made me more prone to mope....... wad really made me want to chose happiness is cause i volunteered to be one of the carolers at bishan home some time earlier this december.......i went there to sing of course but wad really impacted me was seeing the joy and passion of one of the aunties from the chinese/cantonese service when she was singing on stage (together with the rest of the 'canto choir' haha oops)......the aunty was wearing red haha i still remember......i could tell from her face dat she was very happy to be singing and her face also told em dat she had the passion to serve God in dat area.......dat sorta got me thinking, if one aunty who is probably 3 times my age at least, who has gone thru so much more than me, can still be so happy at her age, what right have i, this 20 yr old teen to mope? it really seems very easy and logical to say this on hindsight but i oso understand how when ur facing some problem(s) in ur life, dats the only thing u will think about........but yeah i really thank God for speaking to me in such small and minute ways........

now im much betta ready....i feeel quite good now, mayb cos things are going more smoothly in the army, its not shiong to me (training is jus [free] training up my body to me) for now, its still bearable, in fact it has almost always been bearable to me............and also some of the things bothering me are more or less solved or i have gotten a more clear cut answer which satisfies me rite now........i dun think so much nowadays, partly becos i dun hav the free time to think about so many unnecessary things which is great......i also feel closer to God nowadays cause i've been able to do my QT more regularly (there was one period of time dat i missed quite a few days, still trying to catch up as of now....)....i dunno if dat has anything to do with feeling or not but i really feel God has drawn me closer to Him now.........

now then i noe (i dunno how many times i have said this)....when ur in the army, u really feel so detached from the world......u literally dunno wads going on in there unless some ppl take the effort to update u once in awhile......its nice to hav ppl to actually reply msges to every once in awhile lol.....and its like u spend so much time staying in dat all u are really looking forward to is getting out for the weekend, or even getting out jus for the nite to take a look at the outside civilisation........but the paradox is dat when we all get out, we really dun have any clue on wad to do lol.......really! and its quite sian sometimes....mayb its cos of the very short time we spend outside as well........

oh wells i dun hav much to post about, except dat i hav been posted to armour training institute.....so next time i would know how to drive a tank around for war (if there ever is in the first place)........so my beret is a black colour beret (to hide the grease, oil and dirt so they say)........i seasoned it quite abit and i really like it cause i feel like there's quite abit of pride in wearing a black beret even tho alot of ppl say its shiong........and i think its very handsome summore, black, quite a cool colour heh......i hear its one of the elites besides sof, commandos and guards........woah sense of pride man..........i really love wearing the beret around (for now), so proud of it haha but we didnt havta do anything to earn our beret which is abit of a waste..........oh yeah i had an ippt trial test today and i would have gotten gold for ippt if not for my missing the timing by 0.1 sec........alot of ppl really pity me.....but oh wells to me i jus suck thumb la, i noe myself........if i cant run i cant run.......i think i didnt really push myself today and i really didnt have the mental strength to carry on running endlessly on the track, its really boring lol sian......now its time to go soak my clothes and then go to sleep.....till next update...............

plain and simple

this post was started on 10th of november, 1453hrs

haiz i guess im not going for yf today..........cause i havta wait for my clothes to dry lol.......cause they have to be dripped dry cos they were dipped in some super strong mosquito and insect solution.......

anyway as usual i feel like blogging but i jus dunno where to start and end........cos there are so many trains of thoughts passing thru this station of my mind.....i feel just messed up in my head la......so mayb i decided to jus talk plainly for this post and stuff (hopefully i dun regret sharing too much but i dun want to think so much now la heh......)

coming out on the weekends from the army, its like everything else has rushed so far and fast ahead and we (the army guys) are jus left behind in a stand still........i dunno (and cant remember) if i shared this before but everything seems different.......the way i spend my time is somewhat different as well mayb cos of the lack of time to do much as well la.........the music i listen to is somewhat different as well, an example is for like christian songs in my mp3 player has been much revised i'd say since before i went to bmt until now.......some songs jus dun appeal to me the same way they did last time...i have also added so many new songs into my player, quite a few from klove and im listening to many new songs now....dunno how to describe it for understanding, i myself dun really understand but i know its happening.........

of course i feel that almost everyone i meet when i come out is different, they have moved and progressed with the pace of living in singapore and somehow the things that they are interested in has seemed to have changed overnight
(ok mayb this last sentence is not really linked and it may not come out right, cause i'm halfway watching a touching korean show (something that probably wont happen in real life)
with the tv by my side and my comm the firefox keep hanging and closing.....so i cant really remember wad i jus typed jus now........and if i missed anything that i wanted to say but might have disappeared........oh wells suck thumb (meaning bear with it or sumtin like dat, a phrase i learnt in army)......)

oh yeah before u carry on reading, i would really appreciate it if you could reserve your comments here......as in dun tag your comments on my tag board......email me......erhm if u dun have my email, lol go find out la haha oops sorry.......

hmm ok mayb its time for some of the things that have been weighing my mind down.........to be plain and honest, i feel the pressure to get attached to someone, not to have someone physically to hold or wad but i think its really for the companionship.........i would be honest, i yearn to have a good fren from the opposite gender to share my troubles and stuff with and also may i be bold enough to say, someone to love as well..........walao its like so wierd sharing this on my blog but i betta finish it before i decide to post this entire post somewhere else, somewhere private..........mayb its the unspoken peer pressures of my frens around me (its not their fault, mayb its jus me knowing that they are attached and SEEM (you never really know until your really in the relationship) to be happily in love and stuff) or mayb its the pressures from the world we live in, from the media, from tv shows showing couples happily in love and stuff (even though we know it may not be true sometimes, we know that shows often dun show things that happen in real life but still we're drawn to the facade of the dream...)........hmm...i dunno y i feel this way la its like life gets complicated when ur thinking about this kinda things..........

mayb i hav the face of one that is attached lol…….o_O there is such a thing? lol…..quite a lot of times ready ppl i meet (ppl i dun really noe) ask me if im attached and i answer “no” then they tell me “oh u look like someone who is attached….” I’m like “o kayy…” i wonder wad makes them think dat way lol……there was this time we were having team building, team learning (or wad the army calls “tbtl”) then my company officer commanding was conducting it……he like keep on asking me if i had a girl friend lol for about at least 7 plus times……i oso dunno how to react his repeated, same questions…..as if one answer of no is not enough lol! quite funny la, end up dat became the joke of the day……end up all my platoon mates keep asking me if i had a girl fren the rest of the day……walao talk about pressures even from the OC (in other words the officer commanding)….dats y i say it might be becos i hav a face of one who is attached (lol so weird typing this, mayb this comes off wrong but i’m past caring about dat haha)……..

anyway dats one of my problems…….my spirit is quite heavy now, sian mayb because i havta book in later.......sian la and stuff like dat.....

well i started this post on the 10th of november and i'm onli completing it now, which is 24th of nov so its quite outdated but its wad i felt before at some point of time nonetheless.....

ok looking back it seems funny how i felt so desperate and lonely and stuff like dat when i should actually trust God to provide.....somehow God is gracious and i think He has brought me thru and past thinking like dat i guess........i have come to see the light again.......y i say again? its because quite some time back i had all my thinking sorted out and i didnt think of this kinda thing but i dunno y i recently thot about all these things again....anyway i'm very glad its over and that God has helped me sort out my thinking again.........

some other things i would jus like to note.........i still wonder if u like me.......i wonder in my mind and heart if u are actually showing me concern as a fren (as i presume) or do u care for me more than a fren? some times i feel that u like me and yet sometimes i feel that u jus care for me as a fren, depending on the circumstances, mayb i might jus be thinking too much lol......i guess i would want to noe if u liked me or not but then again i dunno wad to do even if i knew...........i guess im tired of guessing, wondering if i'm right or wrong.....i dun wanna ask u direct cause i think it might spoil our frenship, i rather keep the frenship and not noe THAN know and not keep the closeness but of cos i want the best of both worlds heh.......i jus hope the person im refering to reads this and mayb sumtin will happen, of course i wont reveal the name of the person here lol, dats direct stupidity lol........

i oso dunno wad i hope to achieve by typing all this but im jus typing it before i regret and decide to not post anything publicly.....time to go to sleep......

post ended on 24th november 0106hrs

a little note

hey guys........

i wanted to blog today but i jus dun hav enough time to do so la..........the having to travel so far and so long to my camp frustruates me alot lol........anyway i had a post to post last week but i haven finished it so i will probably finish it when i have the time which is probably next week cause i will be having of in due then, from wednesday i'll be given off cause they are paying us back for all the times we had to stay in cause of activities on weekends......yeah so i'll be free this coming week from wednesday all the way until the weekend lol......its a nice thing to look forward to......jus the freedom for awhile.......ok la till i have the time to properly blog........wait for it if u want to read lol haha........

dear all,

all those who care about me, whether they read my blog or not........i'm very thankful for all of you........well firstly i must say dat my mind is in a little bit of a whirl........ok dats considered good ready lol.....cause when the intention of posting again first came to me, my mind was really in a big whirl..........but i really feel better after going thru today..........i thank God for helping me to get back on feeling somewhat normal and for Him giving me peace as well...........hmm mayb the listening to chistian music helped abit as well...........now im not really thinking of those unnecessary things that i was thinking about before today............

anyway jus a little update for how i've been coping in sispec........well i cant really remember the specifics of all the activities that i've done.......to me i onli remember the ppl i meet and the ppl in charge more clearly, every time i interact with them i bring back with me things that make an impression on me of them.......i dunno if dat made sense but oh wells....moving on, actually i've had quite abit of time to post during most of my weekends out but i never found the time cos i'm either distracted by the tv or wad OR i'm organising my songs in my mp3 player, and somehow whatever i do during the weekends, it seems to take up alot of my time out so jus like dat my weekends are burnt quite fast and the original intention to blog dat week would be procrastinated, left for 'some week then im more free to blog.....'

okayy i havta rush this cos im going for dinner soon, no doubt near my house but still the travelling time to boon lay mrt then still must take bus to my camp.......wa its damn sian la.....and not to mention long la....how i wish i could get posted to tekong lol......at least its near my house la sianded..........everytime i go to camp, it would take like 1 and a half hours to reach.....and i always feel dat the time they want us to book in is so early la.........haha mayb its also due to the long travelling time...........for dat part, if i dun have music to listen to along the journey, its a damn sian feeling lol.......haha im half yearning for a high capacity mp3/mp4 player where if im bored, i can listen to music or watch shows on my player lol.....then i can entertain myself by watching smallville and all kinds of shows lol shiok man......ok but dats part of my dreams until i really convince myself to look for one such player and actually buy it............anyway for sispec, i dun hav much to say about it..........army is the same kinda sian everywhere, almost everywhere is jus brainless exercises to get your combat and physical fitness up.........besides that there is also the mental pressure used by your superiors to mould and shape up your minds to be more tough and mayb mature your thinking in some ways.........dats about all i can think of in a short time.........next time when i have more time i post more la.....and besides dat i havta be careful wad i post about cos i dun wanna get charged by mindef or something even higher cause the whole world who reads my blog can find out every single thing there is to know about the army etc.......well yes! its a chargeable offence or sumtin like dat cause its sorta like a threat to national security when ppl find out too much about your defence force, how they operate, then they mayb able to counter it with a well-planned attack all dat kinda shit la.......especially if its other countries ppl reading heh (no offence to those foreigners (if there are) who read my blog heh.....)

ok i gotta go for dinner ready.............till next time post......this isnt much of an update but yeah.....i hope it will suffice...........bye for now.............

jus a little update

heh its been awhile since i last posted haha......i realise dat too myself but even though i have had my block leave from my passing out parade, i havent had much time to think about blogging haha.....the block leave seems to have passed by so quickly and yet looking back i think i have managed to do so many things dat i wanted to do dat i feel so much like a civilian during my block leave period lol.........


ok so jus a little run through of things before i go to sleep.....

well i have passed out from bmt ready.........in simple words i finish my time in bmt ready.......


POP
ok there was this passing out parade on the september the 11th........good date to remember ah......afterwards terrorists come and bomb tekong on dat date haha.......anyway on the parade day i had to march and run and do alot of drill stuff with my rifle..........we recruits have practiced quite abit for it lol at least like the last 5 days of our bmt were spent practising for the graduation parade which is aka passing out parade........well with all said and done, i must say its really a relief to get off the island called tekong lol........staying there is very boring, especially when u are alone or confined there haha.....i got confined before and dat really crushed whatever high spirits i had so i was quite looking forward to pop cause then i would have a break........(but of course on this date, the break is over ready......i have to go to new unit ready haha.......more on dat later...)
........i must say the break after bmt was very good and refreshing to me, i managed to do ALOT of things, including celebrate my birthday OUTSIDE of camp, OUTSIDE of tekong, the island dat really seems to drive u crazy haha at least to me la........


BLOCK LEAVE
oh yeah block leave is a period of a number of days of break where u can actually be a civilian, or come close to being the civilian dat u were for dat few days.........for me this block leave is a period of break after passing out from bmt, waiting for my next posting to come out......this next posting is where i will be going after bmt, of course haha.........anyway i cant really remember wad i did to spend all my days in exactly but i know dat i woke up late quite a few days, of course i also stayed up late to watch episodes of smallville as well haha.......i can watch the episodes until like 3am then then next day dunno do wad and somehow at nite (as the past few days went) and if possible and im free, i would watch smallville episodes again haha.....good thing i left them to download and run in the background cause my brother, andrew will at least on the comm once a day to check his friendster (i dunno wads the use of dat kinda stuff, i see no meaning anymore...), read his (girl) classmates' blog and stuff like dat.......i cant really say anything about him to him la cos if i do he will give me his attitude problem and i will really get so flared up in my head dat i feel like punching him man........oh wells one of these days if he really says sumtin dat i cant bear he will get it..............well i managed to finish watching the entire smallville season 2 lol.......(yes yes im quite lagging behind on the shows but something betta than nothing.....)


SISPEC - MY POSTING
well the block leave is to wait for my posting rite.....well i got posted to sispec.........dat stands for the skool of infantry specialists, meaning i will pass out or graduate from it ultimately a sergeant......i must say i was abit disappointed with my posting, not entirely cause i dun mind to try and make it work and make do with wad i have been given........i was disappointed because i somehow wanted to got to OCS, officer cadet skool even though i have heard all about it being so shiong and all but ask me to explain y i wanna go OCS i would tell u i dun really know la, mayb its because of the 'honour and glory' haha LOL, didnt expect it to be so easy to explain.....but yeah i cant really its exactly dat but oh wells i cant be bothered to try la..........anyway so fast forward back to today this day this hour........so i got my posting and like later, 240907, monday i will have to wake up super early like 6am la and then i havta get ready and leave the house to get to pasir labar camp by 8 - 830am la.........sian and i feel shagged ready lol.....anyway im going to sleep now heh....hope this is enough of an update

confinement

here i am alone in the bunk.....alone in the company (with the exception of the company orderly sergeant).......alone in my whole cluster of companies around my company block.......big Big sighs!......i could have avoided this and all but since it has happened, i jus havta suck thumb and take my punishment as a man......(i cant find the paper dat i wrote a long whole thing on so i guess this is all i will be back-posting, all this @ 23rd March 2008)

no time

im sorry for all those who keep coming to my blog only to find its not been updated..........

i was typing a post but i haven finished it and the weekends when i book out the time is too short for me to finish my post heh.....anyway an update is coming soon, when i next book out or sumtin la.....rite now i havta rush outta the house cause i havta book in at 1930 later.............and now im going for dinner with my parents........

so yeah update next time....sorry guys........see you all at army day most probably haha........

mind full and brain washed

it always seems to be about the mind ah.....ok ok i will change when i do happen to think of some other blog post title........i think its about time i posted abit on my blog or else my blog will be quite dormant for quite a long long while lol.......


so now yes i'm in the service (or slavery) of the nation.........i guess there is a reason y they call it the ns liability lol.......anyway about 2 yrs of my time would be spent in the army lol......1 yr 10 mths to be exact but it jus seems longer when ur inside haha.......


anyway now for the thing i would be posting about......quite a few ppl have asked me the standard question "how is ns?" and actually to be honest, i dun really noe how to reply lol.........i would jus say "oh....ok lol......shagged...." cause i really dunno wad else to say! to be honest i dun really remember (nor do i wish to remember wad i've done in the army) when i book out dat is........


hmm ok mayb i give a brief summary of wad 'we' do i the army or wad i can remember rather.........we all wake up quite early compared to other ppl in the work force i guess (dat was random) but yeah we all wake up at 0530 and normally do 5 bx at 0545 then go for breakfast at 0600 lol......see im brain washed ready and i cant say i really like the feeling lol.......everyday we have different training stuff to do la..........one thing is dat my bunk level is the top floor which is the 5th storey and we all havta climb up and down the stairs dozens of times a day to get stuff, change attire, keep rifles in our cupboards, area cleaning and whatever nonsense reason which requires us to get to our bunks lol.............besides dat we have other physical training and stuff like standard obstacle course (SOC), aggregate group run (AGR), 60-120 runs (where u sprint for 60 secs and then jog for 120 secs), static exercises and alot of other stuff which i cant really remember to train up our physical body condition, not to mention the pumping and punishment we do when someone is late or does something stupid.........


i cant really remember much of wad we do in tekong la cos im tired most of the time, i think 7 hours of sleep a day is not enough for me la.......ok mayb i would say i normally get less than 7 hrs cos i sleep slightly later than normal ppl cos i am somehow doing some things at nite before lights out (as they call it).....then when there is lights out, im probably still bathing and all......ok jus a few minutes at most la, not much difference.......but besides being shagged from the day's training, i'm more tired cos i try to wake up about an hour or so earlier to do my quiet time before i start the day lol.......shagged man.......so cos of the tiredness and mayb the training is jus training -- jus routine and wadever not, i dun really remember much of wad i have done in the island called tekong............


ok onto how i feel about being in ns.........firstly i must say i miss my freedom as a civilian ALOT.........there were so many things dat i did before i enlisted dat i really miss lol......its kinda duh la, wont everyone who has gone into the army think so? unless the person is someone who enjoys the army and its system lol..........for me before coming into the army i thought it would be ok for me cos i thot it was jus training and all...........but i guess it is not wad i expected, i was shocked for abit when i first entered the service of the nation as they so fondly call it, for the first week or so i guess........but after dat i adjusted to the system, and the way things worked.........but i was still very much affected by the lack of morality and the vulgar vocabulary that is so rampant in every platoon lol.....the f word is like so easy to come out.......f this that f ing that.......haiz it really makes me quite sad to see this happening........i wish it would jus end.............and dat ppl can jus talk nicely without using vulgarities like its nothing.....well actually to them i think they dun think much about it but it still reflects some things about their background...........i guess its the norm to say vulgarities if not its like the you are not normal and its definite dat u would stick out like a sore thumb among almost everyone (including some christians i know) scolding vulgarities........dunno how to describe it but it seems wierd to say the least to not use any vulgarities.......sometimes u jus get influenced by them and then the first thing dat pops into mind for u when describing someone bad or when u feel like scolding someone (feel onli, it means onli in ur thoughts u want to scold someone...) is the f word at times............well sometimes onli la, actually i dun really noe wad im typing and y im typing it cos i first started this post one week ago la, so many things have happened during this week and stuff like dat already so dun blame me for my discontinuedness........


every time i book out, i feel as if every thing outside seems different lol, either dat or mayb im the one dat has changed....i dunno how to explain it but..........its like the songs i used to be comfortable listening to has somehow changed, whether it is christian or secular songs i dun seem to enjoy it the way i did before i went into army.........even the way i worship and sing praises seem different starting from the inside out.......my heart feels different and besides the obvious literal reason for my singing being different (my voice sounds different now from all the mindless shouting in camp), songs jus dun impact me the way they did before i enlisted........so many things i dunnno or im unsure of........i think zhi wen is rite, when i put on the helmet i think i lost half of my brains, cant really think or process information dat well, i've been brain-washed to think in the regimentation kinda way......and brains is not the onli thing i lost............i feel so detached from everything in the real world, detached emotionally from everyone else cos its like every time i book out, the only ppl i spend decent amount of time with is my family -- my parents mainly.....everytime i come out there is onli time to give them my dirty clothes to wash and then i would go to sleep most of the time i book, no time for anything else like blogging or even coming online much.........its mostly jus rest and food and mayb at most attending yf and church............besides all that i miss my hair strangely but yes i do and mayb wad i miss most is the freedom and really so much free time i had as a civilian.........


oh wells i guess enough has been said, i cant think much ready, im tired and im going to sleep ready....here is an update for ppl who read my blog..........

words from the mind

heh wierd post title eh.......but oh wells im jus lazy to think of anything else....


anyway jus some perhaps random thots in my mind rite now.........well im going to ns this friday and ppl have been asking me if im dreading the experience or looking forward to it and i will go with the standard ok lol answer which is wad i feel lol haha........cause no natural person would look forward to ns lol, come on no matter how close u feel to ur family and wadever connections in the outside world, im sure most of the men who have completed ns or have some experience of ns in singapore would agree dat its betta to be out than in lol.........the onli thing i look forward to for ns is to enjoy myself there (have a good company, good job promotion status (i'm not even sure if i will be signing on or not but dats still to be considered, based on the circumstances lol), good pay etc)...........i dun dread the coming time in ns cause its 'ok la' for me.........its jus physical training (and mayb abit of bad company spouting nonsense and stuff) and all to me la, im ok with physical training la........the government pays u every month to work out (and be totured and wad not haha), looking on the bright side the physical training seems to me like wad i can take, wad i can endure, its jus the repercussions like me being tired from it and some other things i dun wanna mention -- the things i've been brooding about and for now its recently solved (see the previous post for of an idea)...............etc..........i really need discipline to make time for God i guess, haha being a person dat likes to sleep heh...........hmm also about my bunk mates etc, i wonder if the frenships with them will be like wad its been for me throughout my primary, secondary and tertiary education years, like i noe them but somehow i am not close to them, we hardly get to talk about serious things and stuff, mayb its because i probably might not join them in many activities dat they like to do (for example onli) like kbox, pool, bowling........i might not enjoy myself as much with them cause i mayb dun relate as well to the company of frens as compared to church frens whom i have gotten to noe for years and the level of being comfortable is there and u can really be urself, be crazy and nobody will fault u about it cause it u haha.............oh wells on a side note i feel restricted by wad ppl think sometimes esp ppl i dunno well, u cant jus say wadever u want or do wadever u feel like doing without being judged by dat other person lol (not dat their judgement matters to me at all but its jus the fact dat u will be judged if u do something out of place or say sumtin out of line)........mayb dats y i keep quiet sometimes? doesnt matter if i seem muter (as someone told me before) i'm comfortable keeping quiet so dat it seems i dun have an opinion about the things ppl are saying but sometimes i jus keep my opinions to myself.......so dat i would not look, appear or seem to be strange, wierd and out of place (which i do not feel much anywhere, because im happy being alone in a crowd, sounds wierd but i dunno how else to describe it)


ok la enough about ns la........now like quite sad everyone talk onli talk to me about ns........like its some impending doom lol haha.......it goes like "hey daniel wad u doing now?" "... oh i finish poly ready, waiting for ns ...." "oh i see, when ah?" "... erhm 13th july, friday" "friday the 13th! lol hahah.....enjoy ah(or sometimes its good luck)"............lol i think i've had dat conversation so many times i cant even remember who i had them with lol.........but after dats said, i feel kinda glad dat ppl are concerned about me sometimes, its not as if im suffering from a serious lack of concern from anyone (afterall i have a Heavenly Father who cares so much about every bit of my life, isnt dat enough?).....well but its nice to have more ppl concerned..........


once again once dats said and done, i wonder if dat concern is one dat stays or if its jus the rite thing to say and do at the moment......oh wells onli time will tell so i dun need to worry about this kinda pointless things dat come to my head when im too free for anything haha.........well well sunday was the last day for a long long time dat ppl will be seeing me with my tail and longer hair haha.......wanted to blog about this on saturday but somehow something kept me away from using the comm too late..............


i went to watch abit of the last period of wilfred's match on sunday nite........he told me about it and was abit sad dat nobody was going to support him dat nite heh........so since i never watch a real floorball match before i persuaded my family to go tampines for dinner......haiz i wish i had gone there earlier..........if onli i could have cycled.........if only i went to the tampines sports hall earlier then i could have caught more action and also mayb be an encouragement to wilfred as a motivation to play betta heh.....but mayb im onli deluding myself haha, mayb he'll jus play the same jus dat his spirits and morale might have been lifted.........anyway he was really happy i came to support him and watch his match though, i saw it on his face after the game ended.........wilfred's team was some "...rogue" or "...vogue"or sumtin like dat la....they played against some "...squirrels" team la......wilfred's team lost like 4 - 0......which is quite shocking cause wilfred is such a good player, but i guess his team all very small sized wann la, they got eaten by the bigger opponents in the squirrels team..........wilfred told me dats y he had to go in harder while defending his opponents..........i dun really respect the squirrels team even though they won, cause their attitude and sportmanship was not really very good la.....when the opposing team got a bench penalty or was the cause for a free hit their team would jeer at their opponents, calling them names and wad not..............so noisy la, typical muhds haiz.......but they still won a clean sheet summore, wad to do............life is unfair at times....


now i talk abit about today........today, aunty lily, elizabeth, joanne and i went out for dinner haha.......we went all the way to buena vista for dinner lol........i think it was supposed to be for lizzy's birthday and a farewell for me to ns.......but it dragged and we were supposed to have lunch on sunday but aunty lily had sumtin on (and so very typical of her at dat haha but oh wells she is aunty lily, dats descriptive enough of her hurhur).......so it ended up on today lol........buena vista is abit far for me lol.......and i like suah gu like dat, i've never even gone there before la.........like i dun really noe where is holland v which is near there......as a sri lankan fren of mine said before, there is hardly any singaporean who has gone to every part of singapore before, while he boasted dat he visited all parts of india or sumtin like dat la......he said it in spite and i think he is quite an idiot thinking but ok moving on........we went to settler's cafe, i have heard quite nice things about the place in general and now today i finally get to actually try it haha.........firstly the space is very very small, if only it were bigger and jus as cosy then i guess there would be so many more customers and stuff..........the food there is quite limited i must say but i guess that place is more for its games......the owners probably spend more of their finances getting the latest games and stuff like dat instead of buffing up the menu with steaks and wjat have you la hahaha..........aunty lily and joanne has cajun chicken which was ok la, they gave me rather huge portions to try lol! well aunty lily gave me large portions to try, joanne gave me abit also cause she didnt finish.........lizzy ate some chicken sandwich i guess, she gave me one portion of it also cause she couldnt finish........girls ah forever eat so little lol, going out to eat with them at expensive places helps alot when ur a guy lol cause can jus eat the great food they order (eh come to think of it now, our sets came with ice-cream! but they didnt give us!! and i was supposed to have mashed potatoes with my set! which wasnt there! haiz i feel abit cheated but its ok i guess, we had alot of fun, if onli we had more time)..........we played like 3 games haha quite fun heh, we started off with taboo (haha! i suddenly remembered joey and lizzy playing it haha.......lizzy was describing to joey "wad do u need when u drink too much alcohol?" and joey straightaway guess "...liver cycerosis..." like LOL la she is a med student see but its so funny cause the word joey was supposed to guess was rehab HAHA!) and then we played mad gab which was a pronounciation game.......woah man......dat was very hard to play cause it was like they give u some words (which make no sense at all) to pronounce and ur supposed to pronounce them quickly and try to form a word or a phrase like "canned egg my highs of eu" or sumtin like dat la is supposed to be "cant take my eyes off you".......we're allowed to give hints and all but its still hard.......then we played bang! haha joey and i taught aunty lily and lizzy how to play it heh.......and it quite amusing to see a woman in her 50s learning how to play a game like bang lol.......but anyway we had fun with the first timers haha, joey was the sheriff and she ended up killing her own vice, who was lizzy, who happened to take damage from the dynamite dat joey put out heh.......we played it with the expansion pack so we had like a mountain of cards in the deck.........the expansion is green in colour, quite nice, and the characters they have at settlers were like uber many la........so many never see before lol......we didnt finish the game of bang cause they all had to go so yeah ok la not too bad for the first time...........we wanted to play another game as well called marriage material which sounded quite interesting lol but no time......hurhur mayb next time when i can book out lol, we go holland v there and play games hahaha...........after dat we had a short time of prayer in aunty lily's car......i thank God for joey and lizzy's frenship.........in more ways than i can express i guess......i do thank God for aunty lily as well.....too many things la haha......


oh yeah i must also say dat the prayer thing in my last post didnt exactly come out the way i meant it to come out lol........i dunno how else to describe it but it jus came out very crude and wad not to me la........mayb i shouldnt have put this on my blog.........but then how then? are there any other ways to find out the answer? mayb i put it on my blog in a moment of folly, i didnt noe wad i was doing, mayb the reason i did it was wrong.....


(mumbles, mayb i've been thinking too much of wad my father said about it....i dun even noe if its reliable or not, mayb depending on circumstances and stuff like dat la......etc)


......haiz these are all the musings on my part.........i keep thinking i shouldnt have put it on but wad to do? probably literal dozens haven seen it since its the 'latest' post in my blog...........aiya dun care.......i apologise to everyone if the content of my last post was too misleading /disturbing to you..........i dunno wad to say cause wads done is done, please forgive me and jus take it dat i didnt type anything there......sorry.......


anyway for those who have already said yes, i urge u all to reconsider and all......if u really think u can or cannot do it, seeing its an everyday thing and all.......jus let me noe of your final decision and even if no one respond to this prayer thing or even if alot of ppl respond to this prayer thing, it doesnt really matter to me, it wont really make me any much happier or any much sadder, whatever it is i will jus accept it.....im done worrying about things dat i cannot really control and its about due time i learnt how to really trust God for everything......after all looking back i think He has been there all the time, whether i notice or remember or not........i shouldnt box God up to be so small dat He cant work mightily in my life, in whatever areas it is..........haiz enough of dat....


oh yeah its been a long post which i have started since yesterday 10/7/07 (since im jus lazy to change all the 'todays' jus take it dat today in this post means 10/7/07 ok? thanks).......anyway i'm jus grateful for every one of you who visit my blog......thank you all for reading this long post...sorry its so long, i tend to ramble alot......


i think i had enough for the nite, time to reply tags:

jon chua : its true sometimes.........recently in main service we sung a song dat i liked cause of the lyrics, but it sounded abit off to me cause we sung it very much slower than when i was first introduced to the song......i guess it varies with ppl la taste and the song as well......

jon lee : hmm but u must give the contemporary christian music the credit dat even though there is hardly any difference from secular music, the difference is there, no matter how subtle it may seem, in the lyrics etc.....huh? its not whether i would like u to or not.......its up to u la......if you would like to, jus let me noe lol.........

christina : hey erhm....u are christina lim rite? (if im not wrong, my mind is in quite a whirl now, sorry if i got it wrong)......the primary 5 one in yf? anyway thanks.....but its everyday leh......do consider and let me noe k? thanks so much.......

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