i feel good

actually when i first wanted to post, i wanted to post about how depressed i was feeling.....army life is starting to get very very sian for me.....to a certain extent i cant wait for it to end, counting down to ord and at the same time thots of jus ending my life have come in more than once but i wake myself up cos i somehow noe its not worth it taking my life away because of the remaining 11 or 12 months or so of the lack of freedom in the army, thank God for dat if not i probably wont be around to tell my story now heh...i feel dat i can be used by God in mighty ways dat i may or may not imagine and i definitely can be of more use being alive than dead haha.....dun take me too seriously la its jus the depression....


i feel abit like a loner in there cause i'm not very close with many ppl in there.......in fact when i was in bmt,i wasnt very close to anyone in particular, i really dunno the reason oso but somehow i cant talk to alot of ppl on a deeper level........casue i cant relate to them being so perverted and dirty minded........
sispec it got slightly betta cause i feel i could at least talk abit to my bed buddy when he was around.....but still the same problem existed......
as you might have already read, when i was in skool of armour, it was quite jialat for me la....my bed buddy was a sucker heh.......but at least i had frens dat i could relate to at times........


army is getting quite sian now because they are keeping us in camp when we dun really have to be in camp, doing things dat are quite unnecessary as well as all the mundane chores of staying in........but at least now the frens dat i have are quite alrite even though some are still the usual f-ed up personnel.......


well well what could be the cause of the happiness so far? haha well i got the whole week off lol........cause they burned my vesak day public holiday for live firing which we didnt really have to do with the infantry men (cause we done the same firing and more before lol), and they oso burened our saturday half day for some sand model thingy which was not needed as well....so well the army has to pay us back for burning our days dats not supposed to be burned.......i got off for 1 and a half days then my oc (who is a super nice person) asked all of the new specialists and the new operators (aka drivers) to clear 3 and a half days of leave so i get the whole week off lol......so i can help out full time at children's camp as a sheperd.........quite shiok la.......plus the next week after dat, im taking leave to go for youth retreat full time so next next week will only be 2 days long in camp, such a good break im looking forward to.........now to talk about the sunday dat already passed....


SUNDAY.......i had a very refreshing time in worship, even though it was very warm....the aircon had somehow broken done and almost everywhere was hot and very humid.......everyone was talking about wad a warm worship we had and talk about giving a warm welcome to our newcomers lol....so lame man.........in worship, i saw ppl fanning themsleves on both the lower sanctuary and the upper sanctuary from wher i was sitting, i must say looking at the pattern and speed at which they fan themselves is kinda like an art, like even though some ppl fan in different directions, they all fan about the same speed haha kinda like art lol.........anyway dat aside i think worship was particluarly refreshing cos i wasnt so distracted as the previous few weeks i guess, i oso had more sleep the nite before......i feel worship can be a great place where cliques do not exist apart from the people you sit with la but still it doesnt matter dat much who u are sitting with (of course its nicer to have someone whom u noe sitting with u so u can talk and wad not haha) but i believe when the whole congregation is engaged in worship, it doesnt really matter who ur sitting with as well as whether cliques will exist during worship which is really great to me........


carrying on my day, i went to behind church for lunch with my brother who went to arpc for their service along with a few of the other yfers, jus because there they have aircon walao lol......we ate with cheng hui and yi cheng at the new western food stall......i think they cheat money wann lol, their plates are quite big but the portions is not dat big haha, part of the psychological effect, mayb its abit ex too haha.....i ate the mini portion of some fried fish with spaghetti, so not enough for me la....the spaghet it like a few strands of noodles onli la.....i went for a shiok bowl of shui jiao tang (dumpling soup), the damn shiok one at the wanton mee stall haha........after dat we played a very good game of floorball, oh ya cheng hui, yi cheng, linus played, together with wilfred and i, oh ya and kevin and his fren saleh......all guys affair haha cos suprisingly no girls came......but it was fun heh........had a great time of runnning around and feeling the rush of the speed heh.........oh ya i think i noe y cos i was wearing shoes to play as well i guess......


after dat i went on to play frisbee with the normal frisbee group dat play every sunday.....i thought the field would be wet and muddy cos slightly before dat it rained abit.......but when i got to the field, it was jus perfect la cos before the rain it was very hot so i guess the rain was wad we needed to soften the ground.....and like since it was so hot before the rain, the ground like absorbed all the water......the field was so perfect, i so enjoyed running back and forth on it, i felt like i could continue running here and there on hours on end.......i enjoyed the rush of running around and jumping, running and leaping here and there......reaql long since i enjoyed myself so much at frisbee.....welll i normally dun go for it cos i have to book in.......see how la if i can make it next week i guess i will......i guess the day couldnt be more perfect, i was listening to christian songs on my mp3 player while i was travelling to dinner at chinatown with my family (after frisbee ended) adn like normally when i dun feel good, many songs jus dun seem to click for me....feels wierd lol.......when i feel sad i really feel like drowning myself in music........


at chinatown.....alot of food choices there but i was lazy to walk around to seek out the various food choices so i jus had the same beef noodles dat my parents had, i ordered the last plate heh.......not too bad i must say........the lime juice dat i bought quite cheat money, like the aunty juiced a few limes with her juicer , the actual lime juice was onli like 1/8 of the cup or sumtin like dat, probably less, then she added water until the cup was about half full then she filled it to the max with huge ice cubes, walao but ok la cant really complain dat much cos its onli $1......... after dat still feeling good, i got home and talked to quite a few ppl at once online, i really relish and enjoyed the catching up with dat few frens, looking forward to doing it again some time soon.........listening to klove online again made me feel even greater heh.....

some things weighing me dun go away, they jus seem far away for the moment.....
somethings i must share......i feel very helpless of how to help myself.....it never was like this before, i dunno y its like this.....must be the work of the hormones haiz.......i cant help but notice and sometimes i dunno y i think the things i do when i see, shocks myself on how those thoughts can even be there in the first place, even with some of my frens......feel so helpless and desperate mayb? i dun wanna feel dat way, i wish it would all go away and go back to being jus about enjoying the friendship for the friendship in itself and not all the unintentional judging based on appearances, the way ppl perform etc........i feel hapless cos i dunno wad i should do....i guess i should jus come out and say dat i feel like i want to get attached, dunno y i feel this way but its how i feel........i cant say how wierd and awkward this is to me putting it down in words, not to mention wad ppl will think when they do read this post.....ouch man.....feels kinda like a post secret kinda thing, except the person who posts this is unannonymous (obviously)........i dunno, i feel if i should jus shy away from all form of female contact dat would tug at my heart strings......mayb i would feel betta and less desperate then..........

i feel a little stuck in a dilemma, like should i go out and do sumtin about how i feel i.e. mayb go out and actively search for a girlfriend (more for someone i talk about the deepest stuff with and also someone to love) which would be how the world in general would act........or should i wait for God to show me the right (and the best) person He has set apart for me? i dunno what it really means to wait.....how will i noe when the right person has come into my life or not? kinda makes me wish dat God would jus let me meet dat one person (or so whatever His plans are), wish i could jus cultivate a deeper friendship with dat person...(of course the other ordinary frens wouldnt be neglected la)........what if...God has already sent 'the right person' to be a part of life already.....i read somewhere dat God doesnt limit the right person to jus one, He plans a few for each and everyone because we all have the freedom of choice to choose (in some ways) our spouse or sumtin like dat la.......and if.....God has already put dat someone in my life, ok lets say by then......then wad should i do? jus sit around and wait? or do sumtin (i dunno wad) about it? the normal worldly thing would be do sumtin and probably actively chase dat 'right person'......haiz for now i can and will only sit around and wait cos i dunno wad to do, how to do it and mayb im too scared to take the chance......

well i think i've said quite abit too much........dats all for the nite now........tata.........