i feel good

actually when i first wanted to post, i wanted to post about how depressed i was feeling.....army life is starting to get very very sian for me.....to a certain extent i cant wait for it to end, counting down to ord and at the same time thots of jus ending my life have come in more than once but i wake myself up cos i somehow noe its not worth it taking my life away because of the remaining 11 or 12 months or so of the lack of freedom in the army, thank God for dat if not i probably wont be around to tell my story now heh...i feel dat i can be used by God in mighty ways dat i may or may not imagine and i definitely can be of more use being alive than dead haha.....dun take me too seriously la its jus the depression....


i feel abit like a loner in there cause i'm not very close with many ppl in there.......in fact when i was in bmt,i wasnt very close to anyone in particular, i really dunno the reason oso but somehow i cant talk to alot of ppl on a deeper level........casue i cant relate to them being so perverted and dirty minded........
sispec it got slightly betta cause i feel i could at least talk abit to my bed buddy when he was around.....but still the same problem existed......
as you might have already read, when i was in skool of armour, it was quite jialat for me la....my bed buddy was a sucker heh.......but at least i had frens dat i could relate to at times........


army is getting quite sian now because they are keeping us in camp when we dun really have to be in camp, doing things dat are quite unnecessary as well as all the mundane chores of staying in........but at least now the frens dat i have are quite alrite even though some are still the usual f-ed up personnel.......


well well what could be the cause of the happiness so far? haha well i got the whole week off lol........cause they burned my vesak day public holiday for live firing which we didnt really have to do with the infantry men (cause we done the same firing and more before lol), and they oso burened our saturday half day for some sand model thingy which was not needed as well....so well the army has to pay us back for burning our days dats not supposed to be burned.......i got off for 1 and a half days then my oc (who is a super nice person) asked all of the new specialists and the new operators (aka drivers) to clear 3 and a half days of leave so i get the whole week off lol......so i can help out full time at children's camp as a sheperd.........quite shiok la.......plus the next week after dat, im taking leave to go for youth retreat full time so next next week will only be 2 days long in camp, such a good break im looking forward to.........now to talk about the sunday dat already passed....


SUNDAY.......i had a very refreshing time in worship, even though it was very warm....the aircon had somehow broken done and almost everywhere was hot and very humid.......everyone was talking about wad a warm worship we had and talk about giving a warm welcome to our newcomers lol....so lame man.........in worship, i saw ppl fanning themsleves on both the lower sanctuary and the upper sanctuary from wher i was sitting, i must say looking at the pattern and speed at which they fan themselves is kinda like an art, like even though some ppl fan in different directions, they all fan about the same speed haha kinda like art lol.........anyway dat aside i think worship was particluarly refreshing cos i wasnt so distracted as the previous few weeks i guess, i oso had more sleep the nite before......i feel worship can be a great place where cliques do not exist apart from the people you sit with la but still it doesnt matter dat much who u are sitting with (of course its nicer to have someone whom u noe sitting with u so u can talk and wad not haha) but i believe when the whole congregation is engaged in worship, it doesnt really matter who ur sitting with as well as whether cliques will exist during worship which is really great to me........


carrying on my day, i went to behind church for lunch with my brother who went to arpc for their service along with a few of the other yfers, jus because there they have aircon walao lol......we ate with cheng hui and yi cheng at the new western food stall......i think they cheat money wann lol, their plates are quite big but the portions is not dat big haha, part of the psychological effect, mayb its abit ex too haha.....i ate the mini portion of some fried fish with spaghetti, so not enough for me la....the spaghet it like a few strands of noodles onli la.....i went for a shiok bowl of shui jiao tang (dumpling soup), the damn shiok one at the wanton mee stall haha........after dat we played a very good game of floorball, oh ya cheng hui, yi cheng, linus played, together with wilfred and i, oh ya and kevin and his fren saleh......all guys affair haha cos suprisingly no girls came......but it was fun heh........had a great time of runnning around and feeling the rush of the speed heh.........oh ya i think i noe y cos i was wearing shoes to play as well i guess......


after dat i went on to play frisbee with the normal frisbee group dat play every sunday.....i thought the field would be wet and muddy cos slightly before dat it rained abit.......but when i got to the field, it was jus perfect la cos before the rain it was very hot so i guess the rain was wad we needed to soften the ground.....and like since it was so hot before the rain, the ground like absorbed all the water......the field was so perfect, i so enjoyed running back and forth on it, i felt like i could continue running here and there on hours on end.......i enjoyed the rush of running around and jumping, running and leaping here and there......reaql long since i enjoyed myself so much at frisbee.....welll i normally dun go for it cos i have to book in.......see how la if i can make it next week i guess i will......i guess the day couldnt be more perfect, i was listening to christian songs on my mp3 player while i was travelling to dinner at chinatown with my family (after frisbee ended) adn like normally when i dun feel good, many songs jus dun seem to click for me....feels wierd lol.......when i feel sad i really feel like drowning myself in music........


at chinatown.....alot of food choices there but i was lazy to walk around to seek out the various food choices so i jus had the same beef noodles dat my parents had, i ordered the last plate heh.......not too bad i must say........the lime juice dat i bought quite cheat money, like the aunty juiced a few limes with her juicer , the actual lime juice was onli like 1/8 of the cup or sumtin like dat, probably less, then she added water until the cup was about half full then she filled it to the max with huge ice cubes, walao but ok la cant really complain dat much cos its onli $1......... after dat still feeling good, i got home and talked to quite a few ppl at once online, i really relish and enjoyed the catching up with dat few frens, looking forward to doing it again some time soon.........listening to klove online again made me feel even greater heh.....

some things weighing me dun go away, they jus seem far away for the moment.....
somethings i must share......i feel very helpless of how to help myself.....it never was like this before, i dunno y its like this.....must be the work of the hormones haiz.......i cant help but notice and sometimes i dunno y i think the things i do when i see, shocks myself on how those thoughts can even be there in the first place, even with some of my frens......feel so helpless and desperate mayb? i dun wanna feel dat way, i wish it would all go away and go back to being jus about enjoying the friendship for the friendship in itself and not all the unintentional judging based on appearances, the way ppl perform etc........i feel hapless cos i dunno wad i should do....i guess i should jus come out and say dat i feel like i want to get attached, dunno y i feel this way but its how i feel........i cant say how wierd and awkward this is to me putting it down in words, not to mention wad ppl will think when they do read this post.....ouch man.....feels kinda like a post secret kinda thing, except the person who posts this is unannonymous (obviously)........i dunno, i feel if i should jus shy away from all form of female contact dat would tug at my heart strings......mayb i would feel betta and less desperate then..........

i feel a little stuck in a dilemma, like should i go out and do sumtin about how i feel i.e. mayb go out and actively search for a girlfriend (more for someone i talk about the deepest stuff with and also someone to love) which would be how the world in general would act........or should i wait for God to show me the right (and the best) person He has set apart for me? i dunno what it really means to wait.....how will i noe when the right person has come into my life or not? kinda makes me wish dat God would jus let me meet dat one person (or so whatever His plans are), wish i could jus cultivate a deeper friendship with dat person...(of course the other ordinary frens wouldnt be neglected la)........what if...God has already sent 'the right person' to be a part of life already.....i read somewhere dat God doesnt limit the right person to jus one, He plans a few for each and everyone because we all have the freedom of choice to choose (in some ways) our spouse or sumtin like dat la.......and if.....God has already put dat someone in my life, ok lets say by then......then wad should i do? jus sit around and wait? or do sumtin (i dunno wad) about it? the normal worldly thing would be do sumtin and probably actively chase dat 'right person'......haiz for now i can and will only sit around and wait cos i dunno wad to do, how to do it and mayb im too scared to take the chance......

well i think i've said quite abit too much........dats all for the nite now........tata.........

the off in lieu

well its really been awhile since i last posted.....i feel its really time for me to bare abit of my thots.....


well first and foremost, this post is wad i would call an ex post, which to me means blogging about past events dat i enjoyed but didnt have the time to blog before i booked in the last time........cause somehow or rather the time dat i spend outside of camp not only never seems enough, it also seems to somehow pass by too fast even tho i feel as if im not doing much.........


anyway here is some background for ppl who are oblivious to the ns terms and the way things work.....well the title 'off-in-lieu' means off basically.....they give us (a) day(s) off based on how many times our weekends get burned by activities on saturdays and/or sundays...thank God for the 5-day ns work day policy, at least for trainees at least, which i still am.......one of the very very little perks of being a low-life trainee........


but anyway my off-in-lieu started last wednesday, 190308 stretching all the way until sunday nite when i book in again.......but i must say i really relished the break and not to mention enjoyed myself alot lol....wednesday evening we booked out and i went to a club for the first time....i went to st james with my army coursemates and it was ladies nite lol......i went there to drink abit la the 2 free drinks dat u can get when u pay $20 for entry into the club haha but i didnt drink dat much to get myself drunk la.......but i really enjoyed myself there lol, dunno y leh, i went there and i danced around quite abit and dat in itself made me quite happy i guess.......after going there the first time, my frens alll say i very wild lol i cant believe it, cause i mainly went there to dance and mayb try to enjoy the ultra loud music and nothing much else.......quite curious y they say im very wild lol, mayb its cause they hardly dance around much except one of my frens who is a rather experienced clubber, he went around buah-ing girls, i bet he went to buah every girl he saw lol......oh wells dats his problem, i will probably never have the confidence or shamelessness to do dat, whatever way u want to look at it.......


let me try and remember wad i did on last thurs 200308......oh ya i remember i got home from clubbing the nite before at 7am cause we stayed at the club until the lights came on which was about 430am like dat, by the time we dilly dally around it was about 5 or 530am ready and since there was no bus yet, and we didnt want to take cab, we decided to wait for the first train to be in service before we took it........so we went to the hawker centre at habourfront there, and actually we were quite suprised to find one or 2 indian stalls jus preparing to open for business so early in the morning......we waited awhile for the stall to make their teh tarik which was super good la after a nite or so of drinking and stuff.......my frens dat were still with us mostly drank cold drinks lol so wierd, esp after clubbing the whole nite.......they also ate abit like prata haha, i wanted to eat roti john with cheese but my fren ordered the only one heh too bad la..........


let me see, after dat i slept until 1pm then i got a call from my fren, shalyn to go out and meet.......we had previously planned to meet up the day before......shalyn is this fren i met thru pep, the poly prayer and evangelism thing i used to go for sometime, back when i was in poly.....i stopped going for their gatherings cos i didnt really identify with the ppl there and mayb i felt i went there mayb for the wrong reasons......she also dropped out of the poly pep gathering thing after some time for some reason i dun really noe......but anyway i dunno how come we started talking to each other again cause we haven talked to each other for quite awhile cause we hardly get to meet cos we hav different schedules and we are not say the closest of frens.......i dunno la its abit fuzzy how come the both of us are talking now but guess it started when i noticed her facebook status which 'told' me dat she changed from being attached to being single.....so i dropped her a msg, to see if she was ok......then since last thursday i met her, she has been sharing bits and pieces of wad happened between her ex and her.....and i dunno wad to say to her as advice lol mayb because i dun have much experience and mayb oso cos its jus the "what am i doing here? or the how did i get here?" kinda thing but its alrite for me i guess...i jus pray dat she is feeling betta and dat God is actually leading her to wad He wants her to do in her life.......well yeah i talked to her for quite abit dat day......well she did most of the talking, there was nothing much i could have done except being a fren to listen......


anyway wad did i do on friday ah? oh yeah friday 210308 was good friday.......i went for good friday service which talked about pride and the very small little forms of it dat were taken for granted as not part of our own pride.........then after dat i was supposed to have a lunch date with my wife, titus dear but he had to pang seh me to go visit some relatives or frens la........anyway im quite thankful i managed to have lunch with andrew, my other best fren instead......we ate a very VERY hearty meal at botak jones lol.....we both ordered hotdogs........he ordered the pork sausage and i ordered the chilli dawg haha....monster size la plus the bun, i couldnt finish the bun but i ate up most of my fries and the coleslaw, to think i was still thinking of trying the tiramisu at the start of the meal.....but obviously there was no space after a giant hotdog and 2 drinks to let it flow down....we played a relaxed game of pool after dat.....since we were free, i sorta invited myself to andrew's house (well technically i only went cos he sook permission from his mom first then i went) since he had to take some time to get ready to go out again and i was jus waiting to play frisbee (something i haven done in quite awhile due to me having to book in on sundays).....it started to rain on our way back to his place and we had to run in, obviously we were wet abit........anyway i really enjoyed andrew's company and i relished the talking with him about the things dat were troubling me or weighing me down.......his advice was very timely and jus being able to share some of my difficulties and worries with a good fren really felt good, it was jus wad i needed after not talking to alot of my frens for so long.........after dat i had a blast playing frisbee, even tho i was really full i couldnt play as well, couldnt run as fast as i felt i could heh.....after dat i had a sort dinner with cheng hui and yi tao, i was still full from lunch lol so all i 'ate' more fluids dats all haha.....



saturday 220308......i went to my aunt's place for lunch......i can tell she enjoyed our company as usual i guess......i seriously cant remember much la it was quite long ago.....memories are so far from fuzzy already.....then for some reason i went to church, i really cant remember y la.........but i onli remember dat i left for kuishin-bo to eat a really good food buffet with section mates and my section instructor (and his fren who supposedly seems more than jus his fren, yeah my section instructor is quite happening and quite on wann, he talked to us quite a number of times when we were on course with him to check out how we all felt about the course and all, quite nice la) from Armoured Infantry Section Leader Course, back when i was a corporal on course with them, of cos now im a sergeant already, and now posted to a different unit from most of them......so seperated lol........after dat we went to marina square to watch a movie, something i haven done in a long time........we went to catch step up 2 lol......really nice la their dance moves......how i wish i could dance like them in clubs or sumtin like dat.........seems really nice and liberating to be dancing ur heart out like there's nobody watching...........i think wad i need is some place or form of activity to vent out pent up thoughts and a messed up head man......


sunday 230308 i went to help out aunty mabel with the kids, nothing much out of the ordinary i guess......probably had abit of gabriel in my day but nothing i cant handle, even on my own with out andrew, who hardly comes to help with me alot of the time........and then after dat the normal floorball, after yet another time at the toa payoh botak jones, i went there with titus, daniel fu and timothy sng.......it was quite wierd i must say cos it was jus supposed to be jus titus and i cos i really wanted to talk about my problems but somehow timothy sng and daniel fu tagged along as they thought it was open for all but i cant blame them as well la they dunno and they probably never will unless some smart alec directs them here.......so i didnt get to have the personal time with titus to talk out my problems and reservations.........well mayb some other time man........man its so hard to find time to talk to both my good frens lol.........in the meantime all i can do is try and get by with God's help.....and honestly jus try to get by la.........it can get quite low in camp alot of the times........then the normal sunday nite book in sighs.........i really dread leaving the house at times like these...........

MORE RECENT STUFF

p.s. notice the date of this post.....when i POP-ed from the skool of armour camp at sungei gedong, i felt so happy lol, i was at an ultimate low when i there, partly because of some of the frends there.........quite a few are f-ed up la (im sorry i dunnno wad other way to describe them), some are backstabbers, some jus cant be bothered to do anything, some are jus i dunno how to describe except f-ed up.........it pretty much covers and most adequately describes them la.........i must say it was very hard for me to find ppl i could talk to in AISL.......i really couldnt stand my bed buddy la, normally in the saf ur bed buddy is supposed to be the one person u are able to talk to even if u cant talk to any other ppl.......he is supposed to be your best fren.......but my bed buddy and i, i can never forget him..........to say he is f-ed up is quite an understatement.........i really hated him......really i dun hate ppl easily but he is a totally different issue........he jus cant keep his mouth shut........he always comments on the things dat i do and i mean always.........drives me crazy, cos some of the things i do are not even very serious compared to wad he does, his attitude is like if he can siam he will siam and try his best not to do ANYTHING at all.......and he has the cheek to talk about my actions!!! cant stand it, he is part of the reason y i was so happy to POP.........oh ya and i can hardly talk to the rest of my section as in the honest kind of way cos the way they all think is quite different and they think of way more perverted and wad not stuff......

anyway now things are slightly different now......having POP-ed and all, the problems inside are still there......its the co-existing with some of the f-ed up ppl now dat i still face.......at least now as a sgt i get more freedom to go to the canteen, mess and stuff like dat.........luckily im not in direct contact with the f-ed up personnel, as in im in a seperate bunk with one of old AISL my section mates dat is quite a good fren.........but of course they expect a higher standard of discipline from all of us and all........well i'll update more on dat next time la..........

its been awhile

yeah i guess its been awhile since my blog actually published its last post........i'd say dat actually MOST of the time i dun have much time to spend outside of camp to actually have time to blog much, considering dat i come book out from camp on friday and i normally reach home about 8 plus or nineish.....sleep in on saturday (cos dats the only day i can do so) and then go for yf........then sunday i go for the 1030am service (with the once in awhile of me making it for my ag in the morning [i will try to go more often tho since im caught up with helping the little cute children for beginners every sunday for now until march or april])....then after dat its floorball for me until 4 or 430pm....after dat, by the time i get home, its already like 5 plus like dat, so i hardly hav much time to blog then since i will go bathe and get ready to go for dinner, pack my bag for camp all dat cause i normally havta book into camp by 2200hrs, so i will have to leave from dinner,probably early (which i really hate for some reason) cause my parents and i dun want me to be late (cause i run the risk of getting confined or other regimental punishments, which i have not gotten so far because even tho i have been bordering on the line of lateness many atimes, God has been gracious and good to provide chances for me to slip by without incident, but of course i will not take my chances for granted....)

wa dat was quite a mouthful to say all at once......but it more or less sums up every weekend of mine dat i go thru........the only things dat change are the things dat happen during the week, how i feel each sunday and how i relate to ppl i guess......

i cant really think of wad i originally wanted to post for today ready........oh wells i guess i should turn in to bed soon so i can wake up fresh and early for service later so yeah good nite, will post more later if i remember and if i have the time....

i choose happiness

well i cant really say i am a person who is very happy cause normally i'm not.........i guess i like to mope esp when im unhappy........i think too much about too many unnecessary things as well so thus things like this add to my unhappiness........i feel the graph of happiness generally dips in the lower region most of the time and i hardly am able to stay happy quite abit of the time..........

ok i admit this post was started at a time when i was feeling very sian and its more a build up of many things dat are not satisfactory to me at dat time dat really made me more prone to mope....... wad really made me want to chose happiness is cause i volunteered to be one of the carolers at bishan home some time earlier this december.......i went there to sing of course but wad really impacted me was seeing the joy and passion of one of the aunties from the chinese/cantonese service when she was singing on stage (together with the rest of the 'canto choir' haha oops)......the aunty was wearing red haha i still remember......i could tell from her face dat she was very happy to be singing and her face also told em dat she had the passion to serve God in dat area.......dat sorta got me thinking, if one aunty who is probably 3 times my age at least, who has gone thru so much more than me, can still be so happy at her age, what right have i, this 20 yr old teen to mope? it really seems very easy and logical to say this on hindsight but i oso understand how when ur facing some problem(s) in ur life, dats the only thing u will think about........but yeah i really thank God for speaking to me in such small and minute ways........

now im much betta ready....i feeel quite good now, mayb cos things are going more smoothly in the army, its not shiong to me (training is jus [free] training up my body to me) for now, its still bearable, in fact it has almost always been bearable to me............and also some of the things bothering me are more or less solved or i have gotten a more clear cut answer which satisfies me rite now........i dun think so much nowadays, partly becos i dun hav the free time to think about so many unnecessary things which is great......i also feel closer to God nowadays cause i've been able to do my QT more regularly (there was one period of time dat i missed quite a few days, still trying to catch up as of now....)....i dunno if dat has anything to do with feeling or not but i really feel God has drawn me closer to Him now.........

now then i noe (i dunno how many times i have said this)....when ur in the army, u really feel so detached from the world......u literally dunno wads going on in there unless some ppl take the effort to update u once in awhile......its nice to hav ppl to actually reply msges to every once in awhile lol.....and its like u spend so much time staying in dat all u are really looking forward to is getting out for the weekend, or even getting out jus for the nite to take a look at the outside civilisation........but the paradox is dat when we all get out, we really dun have any clue on wad to do lol.......really! and its quite sian sometimes....mayb its cos of the very short time we spend outside as well........

oh wells i dun hav much to post about, except dat i hav been posted to armour training institute.....so next time i would know how to drive a tank around for war (if there ever is in the first place)........so my beret is a black colour beret (to hide the grease, oil and dirt so they say)........i seasoned it quite abit and i really like it cause i feel like there's quite abit of pride in wearing a black beret even tho alot of ppl say its shiong........and i think its very handsome summore, black, quite a cool colour heh......i hear its one of the elites besides sof, commandos and guards........woah sense of pride man..........i really love wearing the beret around (for now), so proud of it haha but we didnt havta do anything to earn our beret which is abit of a waste..........oh yeah i had an ippt trial test today and i would have gotten gold for ippt if not for my missing the timing by 0.1 sec........alot of ppl really pity me.....but oh wells to me i jus suck thumb la, i noe myself........if i cant run i cant run.......i think i didnt really push myself today and i really didnt have the mental strength to carry on running endlessly on the track, its really boring lol sian......now its time to go soak my clothes and then go to sleep.....till next update...............

plain and simple

this post was started on 10th of november, 1453hrs

haiz i guess im not going for yf today..........cause i havta wait for my clothes to dry lol.......cause they have to be dripped dry cos they were dipped in some super strong mosquito and insect solution.......

anyway as usual i feel like blogging but i jus dunno where to start and end........cos there are so many trains of thoughts passing thru this station of my mind.....i feel just messed up in my head la......so mayb i decided to jus talk plainly for this post and stuff (hopefully i dun regret sharing too much but i dun want to think so much now la heh......)

coming out on the weekends from the army, its like everything else has rushed so far and fast ahead and we (the army guys) are jus left behind in a stand still........i dunno (and cant remember) if i shared this before but everything seems different.......the way i spend my time is somewhat different as well mayb cos of the lack of time to do much as well la.........the music i listen to is somewhat different as well, an example is for like christian songs in my mp3 player has been much revised i'd say since before i went to bmt until now.......some songs jus dun appeal to me the same way they did last time...i have also added so many new songs into my player, quite a few from klove and im listening to many new songs now....dunno how to describe it for understanding, i myself dun really understand but i know its happening.........

of course i feel that almost everyone i meet when i come out is different, they have moved and progressed with the pace of living in singapore and somehow the things that they are interested in has seemed to have changed overnight
(ok mayb this last sentence is not really linked and it may not come out right, cause i'm halfway watching a touching korean show (something that probably wont happen in real life)
with the tv by my side and my comm the firefox keep hanging and closing.....so i cant really remember wad i jus typed jus now........and if i missed anything that i wanted to say but might have disappeared........oh wells suck thumb (meaning bear with it or sumtin like dat, a phrase i learnt in army)......)

oh yeah before u carry on reading, i would really appreciate it if you could reserve your comments here......as in dun tag your comments on my tag board......email me......erhm if u dun have my email, lol go find out la haha oops sorry.......

hmm ok mayb its time for some of the things that have been weighing my mind down.........to be plain and honest, i feel the pressure to get attached to someone, not to have someone physically to hold or wad but i think its really for the companionship.........i would be honest, i yearn to have a good fren from the opposite gender to share my troubles and stuff with and also may i be bold enough to say, someone to love as well..........walao its like so wierd sharing this on my blog but i betta finish it before i decide to post this entire post somewhere else, somewhere private..........mayb its the unspoken peer pressures of my frens around me (its not their fault, mayb its jus me knowing that they are attached and SEEM (you never really know until your really in the relationship) to be happily in love and stuff) or mayb its the pressures from the world we live in, from the media, from tv shows showing couples happily in love and stuff (even though we know it may not be true sometimes, we know that shows often dun show things that happen in real life but still we're drawn to the facade of the dream...)........hmm...i dunno y i feel this way la its like life gets complicated when ur thinking about this kinda things..........

mayb i hav the face of one that is attached lol…….o_O there is such a thing? lol…..quite a lot of times ready ppl i meet (ppl i dun really noe) ask me if im attached and i answer “no” then they tell me “oh u look like someone who is attached….” I’m like “o kayy…” i wonder wad makes them think dat way lol……there was this time we were having team building, team learning (or wad the army calls “tbtl”) then my company officer commanding was conducting it……he like keep on asking me if i had a girl friend lol for about at least 7 plus times……i oso dunno how to react his repeated, same questions…..as if one answer of no is not enough lol! quite funny la, end up dat became the joke of the day……end up all my platoon mates keep asking me if i had a girl fren the rest of the day……walao talk about pressures even from the OC (in other words the officer commanding)….dats y i say it might be becos i hav a face of one who is attached (lol so weird typing this, mayb this comes off wrong but i’m past caring about dat haha)……..

anyway dats one of my problems…….my spirit is quite heavy now, sian mayb because i havta book in later.......sian la and stuff like dat.....

well i started this post on the 10th of november and i'm onli completing it now, which is 24th of nov so its quite outdated but its wad i felt before at some point of time nonetheless.....

ok looking back it seems funny how i felt so desperate and lonely and stuff like dat when i should actually trust God to provide.....somehow God is gracious and i think He has brought me thru and past thinking like dat i guess........i have come to see the light again.......y i say again? its because quite some time back i had all my thinking sorted out and i didnt think of this kinda thing but i dunno y i recently thot about all these things again....anyway i'm very glad its over and that God has helped me sort out my thinking again.........

some other things i would jus like to note.........i still wonder if u like me.......i wonder in my mind and heart if u are actually showing me concern as a fren (as i presume) or do u care for me more than a fren? some times i feel that u like me and yet sometimes i feel that u jus care for me as a fren, depending on the circumstances, mayb i might jus be thinking too much lol......i guess i would want to noe if u liked me or not but then again i dunno wad to do even if i knew...........i guess im tired of guessing, wondering if i'm right or wrong.....i dun wanna ask u direct cause i think it might spoil our frenship, i rather keep the frenship and not noe THAN know and not keep the closeness but of cos i want the best of both worlds heh.......i jus hope the person im refering to reads this and mayb sumtin will happen, of course i wont reveal the name of the person here lol, dats direct stupidity lol........

i oso dunno wad i hope to achieve by typing all this but im jus typing it before i regret and decide to not post anything publicly.....time to go to sleep......

post ended on 24th november 0106hrs

a little note

hey guys........

i wanted to blog today but i jus dun hav enough time to do so la..........the having to travel so far and so long to my camp frustruates me alot lol........anyway i had a post to post last week but i haven finished it so i will probably finish it when i have the time which is probably next week cause i will be having of in due then, from wednesday i'll be given off cause they are paying us back for all the times we had to stay in cause of activities on weekends......yeah so i'll be free this coming week from wednesday all the way until the weekend lol......its a nice thing to look forward to......jus the freedom for awhile.......ok la till i have the time to properly blog........wait for it if u want to read lol haha........

dear all,

all those who care about me, whether they read my blog or not........i'm very thankful for all of you........well firstly i must say dat my mind is in a little bit of a whirl........ok dats considered good ready lol.....cause when the intention of posting again first came to me, my mind was really in a big whirl..........but i really feel better after going thru today..........i thank God for helping me to get back on feeling somewhat normal and for Him giving me peace as well...........hmm mayb the listening to chistian music helped abit as well...........now im not really thinking of those unnecessary things that i was thinking about before today............

anyway jus a little update for how i've been coping in sispec........well i cant really remember the specifics of all the activities that i've done.......to me i onli remember the ppl i meet and the ppl in charge more clearly, every time i interact with them i bring back with me things that make an impression on me of them.......i dunno if dat made sense but oh wells....moving on, actually i've had quite abit of time to post during most of my weekends out but i never found the time cos i'm either distracted by the tv or wad OR i'm organising my songs in my mp3 player, and somehow whatever i do during the weekends, it seems to take up alot of my time out so jus like dat my weekends are burnt quite fast and the original intention to blog dat week would be procrastinated, left for 'some week then im more free to blog.....'

okayy i havta rush this cos im going for dinner soon, no doubt near my house but still the travelling time to boon lay mrt then still must take bus to my camp.......wa its damn sian la.....and not to mention long la....how i wish i could get posted to tekong lol......at least its near my house la sianded..........everytime i go to camp, it would take like 1 and a half hours to reach.....and i always feel dat the time they want us to book in is so early la.........haha mayb its also due to the long travelling time...........for dat part, if i dun have music to listen to along the journey, its a damn sian feeling lol.......haha im half yearning for a high capacity mp3/mp4 player where if im bored, i can listen to music or watch shows on my player lol.....then i can entertain myself by watching smallville and all kinds of shows lol shiok man......ok but dats part of my dreams until i really convince myself to look for one such player and actually buy it............anyway for sispec, i dun hav much to say about it..........army is the same kinda sian everywhere, almost everywhere is jus brainless exercises to get your combat and physical fitness up.........besides that there is also the mental pressure used by your superiors to mould and shape up your minds to be more tough and mayb mature your thinking in some ways.........dats about all i can think of in a short time.........next time when i have more time i post more la.....and besides dat i havta be careful wad i post about cos i dun wanna get charged by mindef or something even higher cause the whole world who reads my blog can find out every single thing there is to know about the army etc.......well yes! its a chargeable offence or sumtin like dat cause its sorta like a threat to national security when ppl find out too much about your defence force, how they operate, then they mayb able to counter it with a well-planned attack all dat kinda shit la.......especially if its other countries ppl reading heh (no offence to those foreigners (if there are) who read my blog heh.....)

ok i gotta go for dinner ready.............till next time post......this isnt much of an update but yeah.....i hope it will suffice...........bye for now.............

jus a little update

heh its been awhile since i last posted haha......i realise dat too myself but even though i have had my block leave from my passing out parade, i havent had much time to think about blogging haha.....the block leave seems to have passed by so quickly and yet looking back i think i have managed to do so many things dat i wanted to do dat i feel so much like a civilian during my block leave period lol.........


ok so jus a little run through of things before i go to sleep.....

well i have passed out from bmt ready.........in simple words i finish my time in bmt ready.......


POP
ok there was this passing out parade on the september the 11th........good date to remember ah......afterwards terrorists come and bomb tekong on dat date haha.......anyway on the parade day i had to march and run and do alot of drill stuff with my rifle..........we recruits have practiced quite abit for it lol at least like the last 5 days of our bmt were spent practising for the graduation parade which is aka passing out parade........well with all said and done, i must say its really a relief to get off the island called tekong lol........staying there is very boring, especially when u are alone or confined there haha.....i got confined before and dat really crushed whatever high spirits i had so i was quite looking forward to pop cause then i would have a break........(but of course on this date, the break is over ready......i have to go to new unit ready haha.......more on dat later...)
........i must say the break after bmt was very good and refreshing to me, i managed to do ALOT of things, including celebrate my birthday OUTSIDE of camp, OUTSIDE of tekong, the island dat really seems to drive u crazy haha at least to me la........


BLOCK LEAVE
oh yeah block leave is a period of a number of days of break where u can actually be a civilian, or come close to being the civilian dat u were for dat few days.........for me this block leave is a period of break after passing out from bmt, waiting for my next posting to come out......this next posting is where i will be going after bmt, of course haha.........anyway i cant really remember wad i did to spend all my days in exactly but i know dat i woke up late quite a few days, of course i also stayed up late to watch episodes of smallville as well haha.......i can watch the episodes until like 3am then then next day dunno do wad and somehow at nite (as the past few days went) and if possible and im free, i would watch smallville episodes again haha.....good thing i left them to download and run in the background cause my brother, andrew will at least on the comm once a day to check his friendster (i dunno wads the use of dat kinda stuff, i see no meaning anymore...), read his (girl) classmates' blog and stuff like dat.......i cant really say anything about him to him la cos if i do he will give me his attitude problem and i will really get so flared up in my head dat i feel like punching him man........oh wells one of these days if he really says sumtin dat i cant bear he will get it..............well i managed to finish watching the entire smallville season 2 lol.......(yes yes im quite lagging behind on the shows but something betta than nothing.....)


SISPEC - MY POSTING
well the block leave is to wait for my posting rite.....well i got posted to sispec.........dat stands for the skool of infantry specialists, meaning i will pass out or graduate from it ultimately a sergeant......i must say i was abit disappointed with my posting, not entirely cause i dun mind to try and make it work and make do with wad i have been given........i was disappointed because i somehow wanted to got to OCS, officer cadet skool even though i have heard all about it being so shiong and all but ask me to explain y i wanna go OCS i would tell u i dun really know la, mayb its because of the 'honour and glory' haha LOL, didnt expect it to be so easy to explain.....but yeah i cant really its exactly dat but oh wells i cant be bothered to try la..........anyway so fast forward back to today this day this hour........so i got my posting and like later, 240907, monday i will have to wake up super early like 6am la and then i havta get ready and leave the house to get to pasir labar camp by 8 - 830am la.........sian and i feel shagged ready lol.....anyway im going to sleep now heh....hope this is enough of an update

confinement

here i am alone in the bunk.....alone in the company (with the exception of the company orderly sergeant).......alone in my whole cluster of companies around my company block.......big Big sighs!......i could have avoided this and all but since it has happened, i jus havta suck thumb and take my punishment as a man......(i cant find the paper dat i wrote a long whole thing on so i guess this is all i will be back-posting, all this @ 23rd March 2008)

no time

im sorry for all those who keep coming to my blog only to find its not been updated..........

i was typing a post but i haven finished it and the weekends when i book out the time is too short for me to finish my post heh.....anyway an update is coming soon, when i next book out or sumtin la.....rite now i havta rush outta the house cause i havta book in at 1930 later.............and now im going for dinner with my parents........

so yeah update next time....sorry guys........see you all at army day most probably haha........

mind full and brain washed

it always seems to be about the mind ah.....ok ok i will change when i do happen to think of some other blog post title........i think its about time i posted abit on my blog or else my blog will be quite dormant for quite a long long while lol.......


so now yes i'm in the service (or slavery) of the nation.........i guess there is a reason y they call it the ns liability lol.......anyway about 2 yrs of my time would be spent in the army lol......1 yr 10 mths to be exact but it jus seems longer when ur inside haha.......


anyway now for the thing i would be posting about......quite a few ppl have asked me the standard question "how is ns?" and actually to be honest, i dun really noe how to reply lol.........i would jus say "oh....ok lol......shagged...." cause i really dunno wad else to say! to be honest i dun really remember (nor do i wish to remember wad i've done in the army) when i book out dat is........


hmm ok mayb i give a brief summary of wad 'we' do i the army or wad i can remember rather.........we all wake up quite early compared to other ppl in the work force i guess (dat was random) but yeah we all wake up at 0530 and normally do 5 bx at 0545 then go for breakfast at 0600 lol......see im brain washed ready and i cant say i really like the feeling lol.......everyday we have different training stuff to do la..........one thing is dat my bunk level is the top floor which is the 5th storey and we all havta climb up and down the stairs dozens of times a day to get stuff, change attire, keep rifles in our cupboards, area cleaning and whatever nonsense reason which requires us to get to our bunks lol.............besides dat we have other physical training and stuff like standard obstacle course (SOC), aggregate group run (AGR), 60-120 runs (where u sprint for 60 secs and then jog for 120 secs), static exercises and alot of other stuff which i cant really remember to train up our physical body condition, not to mention the pumping and punishment we do when someone is late or does something stupid.........


i cant really remember much of wad we do in tekong la cos im tired most of the time, i think 7 hours of sleep a day is not enough for me la.......ok mayb i would say i normally get less than 7 hrs cos i sleep slightly later than normal ppl cos i am somehow doing some things at nite before lights out (as they call it).....then when there is lights out, im probably still bathing and all......ok jus a few minutes at most la, not much difference.......but besides being shagged from the day's training, i'm more tired cos i try to wake up about an hour or so earlier to do my quiet time before i start the day lol.......shagged man.......so cos of the tiredness and mayb the training is jus training -- jus routine and wadever not, i dun really remember much of wad i have done in the island called tekong............


ok onto how i feel about being in ns.........firstly i must say i miss my freedom as a civilian ALOT.........there were so many things dat i did before i enlisted dat i really miss lol......its kinda duh la, wont everyone who has gone into the army think so? unless the person is someone who enjoys the army and its system lol..........for me before coming into the army i thought it would be ok for me cos i thot it was jus training and all...........but i guess it is not wad i expected, i was shocked for abit when i first entered the service of the nation as they so fondly call it, for the first week or so i guess........but after dat i adjusted to the system, and the way things worked.........but i was still very much affected by the lack of morality and the vulgar vocabulary that is so rampant in every platoon lol.....the f word is like so easy to come out.......f this that f ing that.......haiz it really makes me quite sad to see this happening........i wish it would jus end.............and dat ppl can jus talk nicely without using vulgarities like its nothing.....well actually to them i think they dun think much about it but it still reflects some things about their background...........i guess its the norm to say vulgarities if not its like the you are not normal and its definite dat u would stick out like a sore thumb among almost everyone (including some christians i know) scolding vulgarities........dunno how to describe it but it seems wierd to say the least to not use any vulgarities.......sometimes u jus get influenced by them and then the first thing dat pops into mind for u when describing someone bad or when u feel like scolding someone (feel onli, it means onli in ur thoughts u want to scold someone...) is the f word at times............well sometimes onli la, actually i dun really noe wad im typing and y im typing it cos i first started this post one week ago la, so many things have happened during this week and stuff like dat already so dun blame me for my discontinuedness........


every time i book out, i feel as if every thing outside seems different lol, either dat or mayb im the one dat has changed....i dunno how to explain it but..........its like the songs i used to be comfortable listening to has somehow changed, whether it is christian or secular songs i dun seem to enjoy it the way i did before i went into army.........even the way i worship and sing praises seem different starting from the inside out.......my heart feels different and besides the obvious literal reason for my singing being different (my voice sounds different now from all the mindless shouting in camp), songs jus dun impact me the way they did before i enlisted........so many things i dunnno or im unsure of........i think zhi wen is rite, when i put on the helmet i think i lost half of my brains, cant really think or process information dat well, i've been brain-washed to think in the regimentation kinda way......and brains is not the onli thing i lost............i feel so detached from everything in the real world, detached emotionally from everyone else cos its like every time i book out, the only ppl i spend decent amount of time with is my family -- my parents mainly.....everytime i come out there is onli time to give them my dirty clothes to wash and then i would go to sleep most of the time i book, no time for anything else like blogging or even coming online much.........its mostly jus rest and food and mayb at most attending yf and church............besides all that i miss my hair strangely but yes i do and mayb wad i miss most is the freedom and really so much free time i had as a civilian.........


oh wells i guess enough has been said, i cant think much ready, im tired and im going to sleep ready....here is an update for ppl who read my blog..........

words from the mind

heh wierd post title eh.......but oh wells im jus lazy to think of anything else....


anyway jus some perhaps random thots in my mind rite now.........well im going to ns this friday and ppl have been asking me if im dreading the experience or looking forward to it and i will go with the standard ok lol answer which is wad i feel lol haha........cause no natural person would look forward to ns lol, come on no matter how close u feel to ur family and wadever connections in the outside world, im sure most of the men who have completed ns or have some experience of ns in singapore would agree dat its betta to be out than in lol.........the onli thing i look forward to for ns is to enjoy myself there (have a good company, good job promotion status (i'm not even sure if i will be signing on or not but dats still to be considered, based on the circumstances lol), good pay etc)...........i dun dread the coming time in ns cause its 'ok la' for me.........its jus physical training (and mayb abit of bad company spouting nonsense and stuff) and all to me la, im ok with physical training la........the government pays u every month to work out (and be totured and wad not haha), looking on the bright side the physical training seems to me like wad i can take, wad i can endure, its jus the repercussions like me being tired from it and some other things i dun wanna mention -- the things i've been brooding about and for now its recently solved (see the previous post for of an idea)...............etc..........i really need discipline to make time for God i guess, haha being a person dat likes to sleep heh...........hmm also about my bunk mates etc, i wonder if the frenships with them will be like wad its been for me throughout my primary, secondary and tertiary education years, like i noe them but somehow i am not close to them, we hardly get to talk about serious things and stuff, mayb its because i probably might not join them in many activities dat they like to do (for example onli) like kbox, pool, bowling........i might not enjoy myself as much with them cause i mayb dun relate as well to the company of frens as compared to church frens whom i have gotten to noe for years and the level of being comfortable is there and u can really be urself, be crazy and nobody will fault u about it cause it u haha.............oh wells on a side note i feel restricted by wad ppl think sometimes esp ppl i dunno well, u cant jus say wadever u want or do wadever u feel like doing without being judged by dat other person lol (not dat their judgement matters to me at all but its jus the fact dat u will be judged if u do something out of place or say sumtin out of line)........mayb dats y i keep quiet sometimes? doesnt matter if i seem muter (as someone told me before) i'm comfortable keeping quiet so dat it seems i dun have an opinion about the things ppl are saying but sometimes i jus keep my opinions to myself.......so dat i would not look, appear or seem to be strange, wierd and out of place (which i do not feel much anywhere, because im happy being alone in a crowd, sounds wierd but i dunno how else to describe it)


ok la enough about ns la........now like quite sad everyone talk onli talk to me about ns........like its some impending doom lol haha.......it goes like "hey daniel wad u doing now?" "... oh i finish poly ready, waiting for ns ...." "oh i see, when ah?" "... erhm 13th july, friday" "friday the 13th! lol hahah.....enjoy ah(or sometimes its good luck)"............lol i think i've had dat conversation so many times i cant even remember who i had them with lol.........but after dats said, i feel kinda glad dat ppl are concerned about me sometimes, its not as if im suffering from a serious lack of concern from anyone (afterall i have a Heavenly Father who cares so much about every bit of my life, isnt dat enough?).....well but its nice to have more ppl concerned..........


once again once dats said and done, i wonder if dat concern is one dat stays or if its jus the rite thing to say and do at the moment......oh wells onli time will tell so i dun need to worry about this kinda pointless things dat come to my head when im too free for anything haha.........well well sunday was the last day for a long long time dat ppl will be seeing me with my tail and longer hair haha.......wanted to blog about this on saturday but somehow something kept me away from using the comm too late..............


i went to watch abit of the last period of wilfred's match on sunday nite........he told me about it and was abit sad dat nobody was going to support him dat nite heh........so since i never watch a real floorball match before i persuaded my family to go tampines for dinner......haiz i wish i had gone there earlier..........if onli i could have cycled.........if only i went to the tampines sports hall earlier then i could have caught more action and also mayb be an encouragement to wilfred as a motivation to play betta heh.....but mayb im onli deluding myself haha, mayb he'll jus play the same jus dat his spirits and morale might have been lifted.........anyway he was really happy i came to support him and watch his match though, i saw it on his face after the game ended.........wilfred's team was some "...rogue" or "...vogue"or sumtin like dat la....they played against some "...squirrels" team la......wilfred's team lost like 4 - 0......which is quite shocking cause wilfred is such a good player, but i guess his team all very small sized wann la, they got eaten by the bigger opponents in the squirrels team..........wilfred told me dats y he had to go in harder while defending his opponents..........i dun really respect the squirrels team even though they won, cause their attitude and sportmanship was not really very good la.....when the opposing team got a bench penalty or was the cause for a free hit their team would jeer at their opponents, calling them names and wad not..............so noisy la, typical muhds haiz.......but they still won a clean sheet summore, wad to do............life is unfair at times....


now i talk abit about today........today, aunty lily, elizabeth, joanne and i went out for dinner haha.......we went all the way to buena vista for dinner lol........i think it was supposed to be for lizzy's birthday and a farewell for me to ns.......but it dragged and we were supposed to have lunch on sunday but aunty lily had sumtin on (and so very typical of her at dat haha but oh wells she is aunty lily, dats descriptive enough of her hurhur).......so it ended up on today lol........buena vista is abit far for me lol.......and i like suah gu like dat, i've never even gone there before la.........like i dun really noe where is holland v which is near there......as a sri lankan fren of mine said before, there is hardly any singaporean who has gone to every part of singapore before, while he boasted dat he visited all parts of india or sumtin like dat la......he said it in spite and i think he is quite an idiot thinking but ok moving on........we went to settler's cafe, i have heard quite nice things about the place in general and now today i finally get to actually try it haha.........firstly the space is very very small, if only it were bigger and jus as cosy then i guess there would be so many more customers and stuff..........the food there is quite limited i must say but i guess that place is more for its games......the owners probably spend more of their finances getting the latest games and stuff like dat instead of buffing up the menu with steaks and wjat have you la hahaha..........aunty lily and joanne has cajun chicken which was ok la, they gave me rather huge portions to try lol! well aunty lily gave me large portions to try, joanne gave me abit also cause she didnt finish.........lizzy ate some chicken sandwich i guess, she gave me one portion of it also cause she couldnt finish........girls ah forever eat so little lol, going out to eat with them at expensive places helps alot when ur a guy lol cause can jus eat the great food they order (eh come to think of it now, our sets came with ice-cream! but they didnt give us!! and i was supposed to have mashed potatoes with my set! which wasnt there! haiz i feel abit cheated but its ok i guess, we had alot of fun, if onli we had more time)..........we played like 3 games haha quite fun heh, we started off with taboo (haha! i suddenly remembered joey and lizzy playing it haha.......lizzy was describing to joey "wad do u need when u drink too much alcohol?" and joey straightaway guess "...liver cycerosis..." like LOL la she is a med student see but its so funny cause the word joey was supposed to guess was rehab HAHA!) and then we played mad gab which was a pronounciation game.......woah man......dat was very hard to play cause it was like they give u some words (which make no sense at all) to pronounce and ur supposed to pronounce them quickly and try to form a word or a phrase like "canned egg my highs of eu" or sumtin like dat la is supposed to be "cant take my eyes off you".......we're allowed to give hints and all but its still hard.......then we played bang! haha joey and i taught aunty lily and lizzy how to play it heh.......and it quite amusing to see a woman in her 50s learning how to play a game like bang lol.......but anyway we had fun with the first timers haha, joey was the sheriff and she ended up killing her own vice, who was lizzy, who happened to take damage from the dynamite dat joey put out heh.......we played it with the expansion pack so we had like a mountain of cards in the deck.........the expansion is green in colour, quite nice, and the characters they have at settlers were like uber many la........so many never see before lol......we didnt finish the game of bang cause they all had to go so yeah ok la not too bad for the first time...........we wanted to play another game as well called marriage material which sounded quite interesting lol but no time......hurhur mayb next time when i can book out lol, we go holland v there and play games hahaha...........after dat we had a short time of prayer in aunty lily's car......i thank God for joey and lizzy's frenship.........in more ways than i can express i guess......i do thank God for aunty lily as well.....too many things la haha......


oh yeah i must also say dat the prayer thing in my last post didnt exactly come out the way i meant it to come out lol........i dunno how else to describe it but it jus came out very crude and wad not to me la........mayb i shouldnt have put this on my blog.........but then how then? are there any other ways to find out the answer? mayb i put it on my blog in a moment of folly, i didnt noe wad i was doing, mayb the reason i did it was wrong.....


(mumbles, mayb i've been thinking too much of wad my father said about it....i dun even noe if its reliable or not, mayb depending on circumstances and stuff like dat la......etc)


......haiz these are all the musings on my part.........i keep thinking i shouldnt have put it on but wad to do? probably literal dozens haven seen it since its the 'latest' post in my blog...........aiya dun care.......i apologise to everyone if the content of my last post was too misleading /disturbing to you..........i dunno wad to say cause wads done is done, please forgive me and jus take it dat i didnt type anything there......sorry.......


anyway for those who have already said yes, i urge u all to reconsider and all......if u really think u can or cannot do it, seeing its an everyday thing and all.......jus let me noe of your final decision and even if no one respond to this prayer thing or even if alot of ppl respond to this prayer thing, it doesnt really matter to me, it wont really make me any much happier or any much sadder, whatever it is i will jus accept it.....im done worrying about things dat i cannot really control and its about due time i learnt how to really trust God for everything......after all looking back i think He has been there all the time, whether i notice or remember or not........i shouldnt box God up to be so small dat He cant work mightily in my life, in whatever areas it is..........haiz enough of dat....


oh yeah its been a long post which i have started since yesterday 10/7/07 (since im jus lazy to change all the 'todays' jus take it dat today in this post means 10/7/07 ok? thanks).......anyway i'm jus grateful for every one of you who visit my blog......thank you all for reading this long post...sorry its so long, i tend to ramble alot......


i think i had enough for the nite, time to reply tags:

jon chua : its true sometimes.........recently in main service we sung a song dat i liked cause of the lyrics, but it sounded abit off to me cause we sung it very much slower than when i was first introduced to the song......i guess it varies with ppl la taste and the song as well......

jon lee : hmm but u must give the contemporary christian music the credit dat even though there is hardly any difference from secular music, the difference is there, no matter how subtle it may seem, in the lyrics etc.....huh? its not whether i would like u to or not.......its up to u la......if you would like to, jus let me noe lol.........

christina : hey erhm....u are christina lim rite? (if im not wrong, my mind is in quite a whirl now, sorry if i got it wrong)......the primary 5 one in yf? anyway thanks.....but its everyday leh......do consider and let me noe k? thanks so much.......

204/1

i'm glad its over, wad now?

firstly i jus wanna say dat i thank God for being God........sounds and seems funny jus typing or saying it out heh but im really thankful He Is (not dat He Is good or He Is bad or anything but He just Is).........

i jus thankful dat the things dat have been weighing me down a little bit has (too simply) been solved lol........mayb its turns out im not ready for it which is fine to me, at least it is an answer, instead of the many confusing thots, emotions and wad not..........my answer came from this 'little black book ... ' but im thankful for the answer at long last...........

rite now i dun really noe wad to think about quite seriously.......cause the past few months i've been thinking about this and mayb pondering over it but now dat the problems has more or less been solved, i really dunno wad to do in my spare cognitive processing time.......almost quite literally i dunno wad to think and ponder about heh........mayb its a good thing to remain thot free and stuff like dat...........when i observe little children, i am jus so amazed with their innocence, their trust of you, an almost total stranger, the way they think, so pure and simple........i jus enjoy being in contact with them, makes me rethink the way i approach alot of things.........

recently, in the daily bread QT, i think the recurring theme (or at least the thing dat sticks in my mind) is about trusting God even though ur life may be in the midst of a storm and stuff like dat
.......seems quite encouraging to me.......well i actually remember today's QT, something about planning for the future and stuff like dat...... being flexible yes! haha......being flexible to God's plans.............actually i confess dat i am really at a loss whether i would go into uni or not, i dunno wad i would do there, whether i would enjoy it or not, wad would "happen" there etc.....but i feel quite happy dat it is all in God's hands and i jus havta trust Him (even though it is hard for me sometimes).........i need to grow a bigger spiritual heart, a heart dat longs more for my God then after dat a heart dat longs for better relationships with family and frens and everything else...........

digressing abit, i haven been really listening to christian music (even though i noe dat is the best to keep ur moods uplifted and stay there as long as ur listening to it) cause my christian 'collection of songs' is jus quite messy cause i once had a mentality dat christian songs are meant to be kept and listened to whether u like it or not, as long as they are songs very rich in meaning..........actually its not really jus cause my christian collection is messy, its the comparison thing la, i mean i sorted out my secular songs in my mp3 player and i must say i really enjoy it lol..........so its mainly cause my secular songs are too much like a serenade dat i seem to enjoy listening to secular songs more than most boring christian songs now.........by 'boring christian songs' i mean those slow, and some of them the singers i dunno how to comment lol quite jialat la....in short its those songs dat u hear, when ur not really happy, after listening to the song u feel more or less the same or even worst lol cause the song is good at other times but its jus the wrong kind song(s) at dat time lol............

of course christian songs are not as fanciful and wad not in terms of the instruments used, all the little frills here and there etc, as secular songs lol........cause for christian songs, the focus is more on God and not the instruments.............but sometimes i ponder on sumtin daryl said to me sometime ago, i tend to disagree to this statement.......but is the current generation really a generation dat cannot live without faster rhythm and more lively music -- even in christian music? i think about it for myself first and wonder if i have subconsciously followed in the world's footsteps without really ever realising it........is zion gearing more towards dat direction cause the youths simply have a different need? a need for more livelier songs to keep abreast with the world? i guess there is nothing wrong with livelier songs as long as the focus is on God lol......but then after dat, the question is how lively to go? how far till the liveliness turns from God-centered to being centered on man? i guess these questions are not easy to be answered........

oh yeah i forgot sumtin..........hmm can i ask who would be willing to pray for me EVERYDAY when i go into NS? not so much dat i have any prayer requests or not but i jus wanna noe (for certain reasons) if any of you would.........actually to be honest, i was looking for more of the female responses but i guess both genders oso can.......

anyway i think dats enough for me for the nite, so much for wanting to post a short post before i had an early nite......oh wells goodnite.com....

reply to tag:

eleanor ho: hurhur good lol......aiyo small thing like dat oso worry quite ait
ah......dots


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Hosanna – Paul Baloche

Hosanna – Paul Baloche

Praise is rising, eyes are turning to You, we turn to You
Hope is stirring, hearts are yearning for You, we long for You
'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Pres- ence all our fears are washed away, washed away

CHORUS
Ho- san- na, ho- sanna
You are the God Who saves us, worthy of all our praises
Ho- san- na, ho- sanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here, Lord Jesus

Hear the sound of hearts returning to You, we turn to You
In Your Kingdom broken lives are made new, You make us new
'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Pres- ence all our fears are washed away, washed away

CHORUS
Ho- san- na, ho- sanna
You are the God Who saves us, worthy of all our praises
Ho- san- na, ho- sanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here, Lord Jesus

'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Pres- ence all our fears are washed away
'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Pres- ence all our fears are washed away, washed away

CHORUS
Ho- san- na, ho- sanna
You are the God Who saves us, worthy of all our praises
Ho- san- na, ho- sanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here, Lord Jesus
(Repeat)
Ho- san- na, ho- san- na
Ho- san- na, ho- san- na

this was a song timothy sng, marcus sng's brother uploaded onto my ag website......nice man i was looking for this song for awhile since zhi wen introduced it.........now i can hear it!!! nice man.....

okk replies to tags:

jon lee : ok im glad there's no offence taken.......hmm i shall not reply much to ur comment.........
its not about enlistment.....im not worried about enlistment at all.......the date is 13th july......

crystal: erhm i dunno how to reply u oso......nvm forget about it........heh

eleanor ho: i guess u already have ur answer....but i still think u should give to the person u first thot of when u bought it......hint hint to ur darling heh........up to u la..........hah


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some retail therapy

im going to sleep soon so im going to make this quite short heh........today i went out with shermaine to bugis haha....i was late cos i slept too late yesterday i think so today i will sleep early and let my body get some good rest.........

before having retail therapy, i met shermaine like 20 mins late but since she got there quite early, was more late then not haha.........anyway we had lunch at macs, nothing special, except dat shermaine didnt eat her fries and i so cleverly upsized my (student) meal (shermaine used her student pass for both of us heh) and like before dat, i bought 3 small brownies from the four leaves at bugis........i must say their small brownies look so much more appetising than their big ones, one look i can tell the big one is not very nice, recently i think i have eaten enough brownies to noe heh, if the top of the brownie is very chocolatey and soft, eating the brownie will most probably be very messy and the bottom parts will not be too nice cos its either too wet or rather too dry heh......

yeah so i ate one of the 3 brownies and for lunch i had ALOT of fries la cos shermaine didnt eat her fries la then end up i brought back almost all of the pack of fries dat i so smartly upsized home to share with my brothers.....lol at least i got a bigger drink lol.......so we went shopping at bugis street the market there after dat...........i think we spent a suprising amount of time walking around and looking at bags along the same alley la........

actually i was more the one looking for a bag and mayb a watch, shermaine was jus tagging along to see if she had any of the same things in mind as well........well i think my theme today was to buy green stuff haha.....i wanted to buy (ideally) a green bag, like the colour sumtin like those crumpler bags but they are expensive i noe so i was hoping to find a greeen colour bag dat i fancied there heh........i couldnt find the colour and type dat i wanted so in the end i paid $30 for a green denim kinda bag, dunno how to describe it but i think its nice and i think it can last..........shermaine saw a bag dat she wanted to buy, its sorta like a handbag but quite deep, she says she wants to use it for skool but i really think it doesnt suit her lol cos its and its $40 lol

before dat i was looking to buy a green kinda watch, one dat looks like a fake adidas watch except the colour is not in the adidas range hurhur.....ideally i would want to get the colour matthew and jieren have la, i think dats nice man but i dunno where to find dat colour, and not like pay 100+ for a watch i dun really need.....i saw this dirty green colour 'fake adidas watch' the last time i went bugis with jasmine so i was jus looking to get it for fun la, not cos i needed a watch.......i have like 3 already haha......one metal, one with the cracked glass dat i normally wear and my supposedly ns watch which i jus got the batt replaced lol but i think dat strap is too short lol........lol so i found the green watch i was looking for and i hung onto it for quite awhile cos shermaine was taking such a long time to decide on a watch to buy lol.....she was deciding between a watch dat was the brand kevin (haha, so coincedental serene's brother who happens to be sher's god-brother) and some other brand la.........end up she got the other brand one cod it was easier to read the time and oso cos the watch brand wasnt kevin haha! but i still think the kevin one not bad wad, quite style and different as well haha..........

haha im quite satisfied with my purchases today heh....next time when there is time i will blog wad i can remember about all the camps that have passed i.e. childrens camp, youth retreat (for bishan) and church camp haha.......remind me to blog about them if u wish to read about them heh........

replies to tag before i go to bed:

eleanor ho: haha wad gender confused? u are ah? so sad for u hurhur.......up to u la.......im jus the willing receiver...if dun have anything oso im ok with it haha.......lol ur maggie mee complaining ready, now ur the one in hot soup! HAHAHA!!!

maggie mee: haha lol........ur her best best fren in the soup leh, how can she leave u in the lurch without anything? haha she will confirm get u wann la, if not at most i share my chocolate factory dat she buys me back with u la HAHAHA......

201/1

i think a reply is at hand

hurhur i think my blog is quite stagnant for awhile.......soon it will be one month of stagnance haha......im tired so i will jus make it quick........not much of an update but yeah i think its either too much or nothing much to update about for now......next time then i see how la.........

replies to tags:

jon chua: i guess ur the first to tag since i last replied so there i'll reply u first.......i dunno about the slowly it'll get easier to open up thing but i trust that God will work what He wills in my life......

jon lee: i got nothing else to say except ur a bucket man jon.......thanks for letting me noe about the finding christian frens in ns and all......to be really honest i didnt really appreciate the comments after the graduation bit, so lest i say anything i would regret, im jus not going to reply to dat.......like aunty esther would say (i've heard her say this like countless times even tho i jus gotten to know her thru childrens camp and all) "i'm very transparent about my life........."
......well in my case im jus transparent with u here......i hope u appreciate my frankness.....

kenji: no la u think too highly of me la seriously.........this is not really the most honest things i can shared, there's still alot to be shared, things i might or might not want ppl to know......
autobiography im not too sure about it la but see how la =) (you should feel happy, im asking so many ppl to refer to my reply to ur tag la hahah)

GOLDIE: haha hi, nice to see you at church camp......stay cheerful heh

april and jon lee: refer to my reply to kenji's tag about the honesty bit heh, sorry abit lazy to type it so many times, my apologies..........thanks for the comment about childrens camp, i dun think its been any of my efforts to control them.......i really think its God dat worked in the kids really, looking back i think could not have almost single-handedly (of course there was my partner abel) make the children listen and follow our instructions esp on stage for the skit (super last min) everything.......all glory be to God!! =D

eleanor ho: lol i thot i wont be able to see you before i go into ns but i guess u proved me wrong heh......ok u promise ah haha i feel so thick-skinned.....get me really good food as well HaHaHa.......no la im not so thick-skinned.......up to u to get whatever u want la......im jus the willing receiver hahahaha........take care of urself over there k?

rachel yeo: Hello! thanks for dropping by! i didnt noe u knew my blog add and dat u come to read haha...thanks for tagging anyways........

gayle: haha its really funny meh.......oh refer to my reply to kenji's tag about the honesty thingy as well can? haha sorry to u as well cos im lazy to retype many things..........
hmm about being passionate about prayer i think deep in my heart i wont say i was passionate about it....it was more like i needed to get honest with myself and God (who actually doesnt need me to tell Him anything cos He knows everything).......and the graveyard shift mayb it was a good thing to me at least dat u didnt come heh for some reasons unknown to u haha (i cant really say cos i wann keep this to myself and hold onto it as a reminder of the time i spent alone with God in dat room)......dun worry about it.....i think spending dat 5 tiring hours in the prayer room was sumtin dat God impressed upon my heart to go 'with or without you' <-- HAHAHA......you meaning frens and all so yeah =) although i cant really put my finger on it, i feel i've really been blessed by the time spent in the prayer room on hindsight.........there's always opportunities to pray, make time haha..........




this is a note to some ppl -- to some ppl who come to read my blog or at least know about it, when u do come across it, i hope dat you will come across this note.........to all those who have been treating me so well, especially some attached (and some non-attached) ones, this may sound silly cos there are some of u i feeel might be 'possibilities of more than furtherness' (i'll jus leave it at dat without explaining, i know who you are can can ready), can you all not treat me so well? i find its really tough for me cos i feel i'm in a very emotionally needy time now and you ppl treating me so nicely makes me feel desperate and many other things lol =| yeah i sometimes wish i could tell it to each of you honestly but dat would be so hard, so awkward, so damaging to the frenship, so... etc........of course this IS ONLI APPLICABLE TO FEMALE BEINGS lol........wa i like this song im listening to rite now, it sounds appropriate for wad im typing, tho i didnt really pay attention to the lyrics except the "tear out my heart (listening to it again im not too sure if its eyes or heart but oh wells i jus leave it as heart for the emo purpose it serves hahaha), feed them to lions" part......the song is Five For Fighting - Two Lights.......im laughing at myself how i sound so emo and stuff, got some for moment for wad im typing everything, especially this........haha dats all from this wearied body for now.......i guess this counts as enough of an (honest) update.......

time to sleep, good nite.com

200/1

graduate lohh

first i must say i really totally forget the amount of ppl who have access to my blog, ppl who know about my blog, ppl who wont really read my blog but yet might once in a blue blue moon pop by for a read or two..........luckily i realised today dat i dun have anything to hide on my blog, i jus blog things the way they are.......thankfully i realise dat i onli blog about relatively honest stuff and the more brutally honest ones are either kept in memory or in my private blog haha........

well i had my graduation earlier today...........it was alot of fun to say the least haha..........hmm let me see if this works....i'll talk about the before graduation, the event itself and after hahaha......so chronological eh haha.......

okk before my graduation,
ella asked me quite sometime back if i could make it for an india mission trip with her, kristine koh, zhi wen and i dunno who else........i readily agreed at dat time but a few days after dat i realised my graduation ceremony was smack rite in the middle of the trip so i couldnt go and because they lacked the prerequisite of 2 guys, which was supposed to be me and zhi wen, they all couldnt go........i hated to disappoint them......then i found out dat kristine koh couldnt make it as well.....but dat didnt really exactly take away my guilt....esp when ella asked me wad i would be doing at graduation.....i replied her, collect my cert and nothing much else, cos i dun really noe........at dat time i felt like really not going for my graduation ceremony.....i knew i could pon it but i didnt noe dat a few of my frens were deciding not to go for it and then collect their diploma cert some other time.......if onli i talk to jie hao, this fren of mine from year one, earlier then i might be in india with ella, zhi wen and whoever else at this point in time ready..........i didnt bring myself to pon my graduation ceremony by the way (duh) haha.....

fast forward to something of the present or recent events,
i went out with my mom jus yesterday shopping for my graduation attire haha.......end up i bought one nice long sleeve green shirt and a shimmery dark green tie.....it felt very good heh......my shirt was bought from g2000, sounds like a expensive brand rite? haha.....got offer dats y my mom bought it, the shirt cost $37.10 after discount.......and the tie i got metro for free cos my mom had $10 metro voucher........so there my graduation attire...i duno how many times i walked to and fro between metro and isetan jus to find the rite tie, shirt etc....

well down to my feelings about the graduation event itself........at first i didnt really noe wad to expect for today..........oh yeah we all, graduands havta wear a special gown lol, and we all had to pay at least $20 plus to rent it (of course more if we wanted to buy the gown for
momento).........at first i was thinking wads so special about this graduation ceremony, must pay twenty over dollars for some gown (designed by tp design students by the way haha) summore, i should not have gone, and i should have gone to india..........haha yeah but today i can say i enjoyed myself quite abit...............i met alot of frens (mostly from my course and very small minority from other courses) whom i didnt see for a long time, and i kinda forget dat poly is a place where there are all kinds of teenagers, thin, more fleshy, short, tall, pretty, average ppl..........its a nice feeling to jus see them all again, reminded of all the times we slogged together in various settings on our projects, with almost seemingly random ppl...........i think being in poly and the same course together, jus to be the normal tp mwc graduating population together means sumtin to me, of course its better if we could all get diploma with merit and stuff like dat.....but for the general average population who is unable to get the dip with merit, jus a diploma speaks sumtin in itself dat we all have sumtin common....something normal......heh

we didnt have any rehearsal on how to walk and wad to do haha......alot of us were quite nervous and scared as our turn came nearer and nearer haha....in fact a few ppl were abit suah gu and a little bit of mistakes were made on stage haha....i guess no one from our course made any mistakes as far as i noe haha....i cant wait to get the stage photos dat i ordered from today....one close up and a full body 5r each shot for $5 i think the price is quite reasonable heh..........after the ceremony everything i walked around at the refreshments area and stuff, i saw everyone taking pictures with ppl they knew.........i dunno la, i felt abit of anti-socialness cos not say i didnt want to take photos with anybody but i would have taken with more ppl if i knew who to take pictures with or rather who i wanted to have pictures taken with and also if i had a camera dat belonged to me haha and not my mom,taking her camera would complicate things alot haaha.......

i feel it alot la (everywhere i go la), its natural la, the bottomline is u dunno dat particular person(s) dat well so since their not exactly frens ur familiar with, u cant really take pictures with them (and talk deeper to them for dat matter) and not wonder y u even did wad u did lol........its a natural thing for me to not talk or approach ppl cos i dunno them and not only dat oso becos i dunno wad to talk to them about...........

end up i happened to take a photo with my fren nai xiang (my fren with me since year one but as usual i didnt noe him very very well) and jun you (someone i knew since sec skool but not too well everything).........i didnt even noe who took the photo for us lol.....some stranger i didnt recognise........must be jun you or nai xiang's dad heh......i happened to be there cos i wanted to congratulate them on their graduation and end up nai xiang jus asked me to come in and take photo....heh i thot he asked me to take the photo for him and jun you then i turned around i realised he asked me to be in the photo lol........its like one of those times dat i was like huh? why did i do dat cause i didnt really noe them dat well......and stuff like dat la.......sometimes its an obligatory thing at times.......heh

mayb a way to explain why i dunno them dat well is cos as a christian i shouldnt participate in all the things dat they do in the world, so since i dun participate in those things they do (like lying or talking about girls and stuff, these are examples onli, jus to help ppl understand, may not be entirely true...), then i dunno them well? i dunno la mayb im jus a loner.....since young, reminising i seem to hav one thing constant in my life, dats being a loner and oso not being really close to skool frens, compared to church frens whom im really close to..............

well ok frankness aside......i oso managed to take a photo with kimberly and hui ling haha..........haha again i was there to congratulate them on the way to get a drink since they wer in front of the drinks table but end up i didnt get to do so......jus photos haha.........quite funny, cos huil ling was the one who wanted to take a photo with me haha....and i didnt have my diploma folder with me, it was with my parents at the end of the hall......so in order to take the picture, kimberly lent me her diploma folder jus to take the photo haha then after dat change over haha.....so funny heh.....ok to be honest i think i didnt really feel wierd like wad was i doing there taking photos all dat, i think its cos i noe kimberly and hui ling betta la i guess, huiling i talked to her more than i normally would cos she was in the same cross disciplinary class for freehand drawing together with me so we talked more and i got to know her betta then haha, im always amused at how she can make me smile by acting silly and talking funny things.....she is this rather short girl but the onli thing is dat she seemed to be very bubbly all the time haha......ok then kimberly was the same group with me for one of our projects, and i must say we did talk more than normally i talk with other group mates haha, i guess dats called mutual clicking........

OR mayb its cos the 2 of them are jus girls who look relatively cuter (duh, then guys definitely) HAHAHA no la dat was a joke........even if i liked them in the relationship kinda way (i dun deny dat i thot about it before, but yeah i think about it with almost everyone i meet so yeah its nothing special), i probably wouldnt let it continue cos they are not christians lol.......if they are christians then say la......or i jus rather wait for God's best choice and not settle for the potential 2nd best option......even tho 2nd best is still good everything, its jus not as good and cannot compare to the best option........so jus waiting for me now la...........i thot long and hard if i wanted to share this on a public blog but yeah everybody would noe la.........i would be lying greatly to myself alone if i were to say dat at this age and stuff, i dun think about relationships, about '"going further than being jus frens'" with ppl i noe, from the opp gender.........its the hormones and also the age that this world has come to, and also the advertisements for products which everybody knows (i hope everybody i know, knows this) are selling some other thing other than their product, like happy families, teaching a false sense of relationships all dat..........adverts are dangerous stuff when u are relaxed and not discerning to them.........haha look wad a simple post about my graduation has become.....but i'll be honest, come on poly is a place with ppl, many attractive ppl and many ppl who will spend so much to beautify themselves for dunno who to see lol......if ur in the company of many different degrees of attractive ppl, the desire to get attached gets stronger plainly for the carnal reason, simple.........i agree with wilson pang, we're all at an age dat we jus want to be liked, to fit in with ur guys frens and girl frens........enough said about dat, im sure the understanding of this topic is so common and shared..........."woah, daniel ur blog jus went up several notches in the honest category".....hurhur i dun really care la.......a blog has to serve some purpose anyway.......

i suddenly realised today dat hui ling and a few others of my skool frens have access to the url of my blog lol but as i mentioned way up on top, i dun mind cos my conscience is clear........may feel wierd for them to read a post about them or wad but yeah....i prefer the brutal honesty rather than the fake facade........was jus wondering wad else i missed out haha then i realised i promised an after of the event haha.....

well well the after event
did i mention my parents and i took cab both to and from my house to temasek poly, abit waste money cos tp is quite near to my house but on the way there was necessary cos i was holding my gown and all......on the way back we took cab cos my mom was very tired from all the walking hah.........but i guess not much difference from taking bus oso jus dat its more convenient, we onli pay about a dollar plus more than wad we would pay for the bus fare (for 3 adult cards combined)........

after the event finished, it was about 7pm like dat (it started at about 5pm or earlier).....we had (ALOT of) refreshments i jus realised, and near one of the ends there was ALOT of food there, nobody was there to touch much of the food there i dunno y oso haha.........there was noodles and siew mai, har gao, finger food, mini cream puffs, and egg tarts etc and of course drinks.......i ate abit so i was about half full after dat......after taking photos, one with mom, one with dad and one with them both, and settling all the admin stuff, we walked about one bus stop from the tp convention centre to the central bus-stop to get sumtin more to fill our stomach haha......mum super tired cos of the walking up and down the tp stairs which was quite a challenge to me when i first came to tp in year one but now im used to it cos like everyday walk up dat stairs to go to walk even more to class haha, legs strong ready haah.......

end up mom, dad and i helped to finish one plate of pineapple fried rice.......cos we werent really hungry haha........i bought a chicken cheese sausage and the 3 for a dollar tapioca cakes from the nearby passar mallam,(and one cup of bubble tea dat my frens and i used to buy when we were still in skool, when we went opp skool for meals and stuff)........the normal kind dat u find at pasar malams, very tasty meal haha.......but i had to tapao the tapioca cakes cos i didnt noe mom and dad couldnt finish the pineapple fried rice they ordered, they said it was a very big portion.........i didnt have much appetite cos i dunno y oso mayb i was thinking of stuff la.........

after getting home by cab, i played guitar for awhile in my formal attire, normally i think dat feeling is quite nice.....even tho im at home i feel the style man, formal attire and playing guitar.....if its outside even more style la but of course in church its not important la........it was quite hot in my room (mayb cos my door was closed, im in long sleeve and long pants) even with my fan blowing at me........after awhile i felt quite sian and stuff cos i was thinking about other stuff as well......i guess come ppl can guess wad i was thinking about by now jus by reading all the way to here haha.......i went to bathe and after dat i felt like posting, this is wad turned out haha.....im going to get myself a good nite's rest and oh yeah! i will remember to pray for good weather to test out the youth retreat games tml and oso for the youth retreat committee as well, before i sleep......i will and i will not sleep before i say amen, it may be tough but prayer to me is sorta like a positive obligation dat must be done if u say u will do it.......in fact everything u say oso should be carried out and u havta follow it, im still trying to keep my word when i say it (or else i dun say anything haha)........with God's strength, i will be able to keep whatever i say and say mean wad i say (at times la, not counted onli for jokes haha but yeah jokes shouldnt go too far....dats y i dun really joke with ppl i dunno, cos i dunno if they can take it or how much they can take.... .. .. ...)......time to sleep now.....goodnite.com (i decided to choose a comfortable green for reading since its such a long post heh)

oh ya ya replies to tags:

jon lee: seriously man a footlong in 5 mins? and u say u enjoy ur food in dat time? ur one kind of a bucket where ppl jus dump food into u noe.....lol if u were competing i guess it would be much worst rite? i dun understand how u can 'enjoy' good food in jus 5 mins......good food must slowly eat then u have the luxury of enjoying every bite every morsel of ur food.....no matter if im eating shark's fin or wad, whenever i eat i always take my time to enjoy my food (except when im rushing for time) haha...

crystal: haha good question........i was thinking of not going, but its still mid week so i cant really think of anything i would be doing for now to replace the time normally spent in yf (except helping out in awana which popped into my head at this point in time)...i dunno la.....if i dun have plans im most probably going to yf.....at the rate things are going i'll probably be there...haha

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