whew i am quite mad.......i first started blogging this post on 10/04/2009, at 0206 now and im blogging jus cos i feel like blogging....over the years i guess my blog has come to become a refuge if not a venting medium for me to jus let go of my emotions, thoughts, crap and wad not.....somehow i think dat some ppl may have been hurt or offended by wad i have wrote, altho my natural response is to probably apologise, i think i probably wont until i noe of any such cases (seriously, if there ever is such a case, please do speak to me privately about it).......cos i value the honesty i can have on my blog.....even if mayb sometimes (alot of the times) i feel dat i share way too much for even my own comfort......
well i've been thinking of blogging about this for quite awhile, jus dat i never got down to it somehow, procrastinating, doing many things dat really dun matter....so many things dat really consume my time and energy and all......im on a cleansing passage if u would like to purge all these bad habits
(continued on 13/04/2009 at 0055 hrs)
and actually return to a more or less normal state i guess.....cant remember the original thots dat first came to me when i was blogging dat statement.........
well down to the point of y i started this post in the first place........
last time i said dat i feel you might like me and mayb also not......but then again i wouldnt noe wad to do with your love if it was ever there, ever more than a relationship called friendship........even though i feel i've been WANTING it so much.......
(hur aunty mabel taught the little kids the difference between needs and wants, it was a timely reminder for me dat no matter how much i want to get attached, have someone to love etc, its not so much of a NEED i guess.....cant really confirm it myself......oh wells its jus speculations for now.......)
well that was all many what ifs in my head.....what if you like me? (then i start imagining the possibilities, dream on until i reach parenthood, well they're jus dreams nonetheless......) what if you did this and/or dat because you like me? .......then reality kicks in and i tell myself, DEY UR THINKING TOO MUCH LA.......kk mayb i will wait until you are past a certain age or mayb i will jus wait it out and see if anything 'happens' between us cos afterall time is the best test of any relationship.......then somehow out of the blue you jus mention to me we're betta off being frens close as siblings.......then its jus like something clicks and i jus decide to properly let it go before i fall too deep for recovery, and i feel it is actually a relief finding out the answer.......i mean at least its an answer i can be quite convicted and sure of, instead of finding myself hanging in mid air, not knowing what to do and all........
i see you around in church, i talk to you a few times and i suan you as well (i suan almost everyone i noe, so mayb dats the point, it'll be harder to guess who she is im refering to and hopefully she doesnt come across this blog entry and think/know/guess its her im talking about)......actually i must admit i dun really noe whether i like you or not.......my feelings are jus in a grey whirl heh, nothing is concrete, for all i noe i may be the one orchestrating all these feelings inside of me when actually it may not be anything at all......mayb you were brought up in a certain way dat makes you do things i might misinterpret as showing fondness or dat care for me more than jus frens......recently i saw a picture of you and your outside frens and i realised i dun really noe you dat much, i dunno you as much as i think i do, i dunno you much actually full stop, i dun really noe wad are your favorite colour, food etc (eh a thot jus came to me dat i actually dunno alot of ppl's fav food, colour etc, the onli ppl's favs i remember are titus's and andrew's, oh wells all the betta for me)......should i even be considering you in the first place is probably wad drives me nuts.........
i want concrete answers!!!! y doesnt God just plonk the person ur supposed to be with rite in front of ur eyes, or for dat matter the choices of ur life partner (because i remember reading from somewhere or sth dat God doesnt limit ur future life partner to a singular person, meaning ya la of cos He knows who ur ultimately going to marry (He is God wad) but dat choice of the life partner is actually chosen from a group of people, depending on the life choices u make, ur upbringing and so many other factors only God knows.......argh even if He tells me "u shall be single the rest of ur life......" i am actually fine with dat, at least its an answer! rite now i think if i was called to be single all my life i would actually be happy to serve God with my talents, abilities, my body, my time and energy etc.........of course its easier to say it than do it i guess, when the time comes i dunno wad my response will be........will i be caught unawares, kicking and screaming at God for why He allowed this to happen to me? i never noe.........
i guess i will jus do the thing i am just too accustomed to do...........wait it out and see if anything 'happens'......guess God's will will be done no matter what so u/i might as well submit to it and just go with His flow lur.......kinda like a suck thumb situation but oh wells.......His will is the best u can get for ur life so i guess i take comfort in dat.......but honestly i would like to know the answer as soon as possible.......any answer would suffice to pacify me, to curb my thoughts and emotions from running wild at the slightest hint dat you like me or your concerned about me...........and lastly i dun want to 'get together with' you jus because you are the onli choice i have for now, it will make me feel i do certain things cos i am feeling desperate, which i am not and never want to be...........thus this post i guess, i jus felt i had to get it off my chest and now dat the pressure is out i feel betta without even the situation changing, blogging is and will always be a therapeutic outlet for me i guess.......i really value the honesty i can have on my blog though i regret some things not being private......its late im tired and sian-ded, i havta scrub off all the mud from my shirt and pants from frisbee jus now.........we all had a great time playing even though the field was quite muddy and wet siao man, 7 on 8 all guys match, super exciting.......nicholas chan from one of the combined bp churches brought like 10+ ppl (yfc wants to outreach to) to play with jerry, yi tao, shaun kiu and i so damn shiok la........now i havta scrub off the mud and stuff myself before i go sleep sians.......oh wells all for the fun's sake, it was so worth it........will post pictures of my dirty pants and shirt next time i guess......
P.S. to all the people who visit my blog every once in awhile, if u read this, i would really like to know why u bother to visit/read my blog? really i cant think of any reason why anyone would want to read my blog or visit for dat matter haha, to play with my cyber pet? lol.....no but seriously i would like to noe, email me or sumtin or u can leave comments or tag if u dun find the reason too private, i'll jus like to noe nonetheless.....thanks......(i trust i dun have to put this in red to get ur attention, if u read this please jus comply heh)........
rachelll : haha true true.......no problem....but actually i didnt do much......i really meant wad i said today, u do look healthier and mayb happier.....
ET: alien head.....y is ur head so round lol......eh i will reply ur questions when im free la......very ma fan leh so many questions.....
tracy mophead kee: lol hurhur....sorry lur.....got so many things to do and occupy my time when i book out or on leave la......writing letter must sit down and slowly think about wad to reply la....relax, the reply will come when it comes haha (hopefully).....
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